Sabine the Fangirl

Tease

2007-06-12T23:19:43Z

Title: Tease
Summary: Ollie gets what Ollie wants.
Fandom: DC (Justice League Unlimited)
Word Count: 325
Rating/Warnings: NC-17, cross-gen, adult situations with a minor. Illegal for you? Don't read it.
Pairing: Green Arrow/Supergirl
A/N: For alixtii's Cross-Gen/Incest Porn Battle.

Ollie Queen is a dirty old man, and if there is a hell, he's bound for it. This isn't exactly what you'd call news, but he's being forcibly reminded lately.

The third time Supergirl "accidentally" flashes him (always when nobody else is around) he starts to think he might not have the only dirty mind in the place. He's spending an uncomfortable amount of time thinking about those little white shorts, wondering if it's worth asking Big Blue what the age of consent is on Krypton.

It's not just the peep show, either. The flirting is reaching ridiculous proportions. The day before yesterday, she actually felt up his bicep, giggling- who does that?

But the last straw- the very last- comes when he's walking chastely down the hall. The door to the shower opens (who the hell puts a shower in the middle of the hall, anyway?), and there she is, framed by a puff of steam, in nothing but a towel and those damn panties. And he suddenly doesn't care if the cops, Superman, and the Pope are ten minutes away and closing.

He pushes her back into the shower and slaps the lock. She's not even surprised, the minx, kissing him eagerly and reaching for his belt. He pushes her hands away, sinking to his knees. He yanks those too-tempting panties down with his teeth, barely getting them past her thighs before diving in to taste her.

She moans gorgeously, and Ollie prays the Watchtower is well-soundproofed. Then he remembers that there are at least half a dozen mind readers in the building. But that doesn't matter, because by now she's coming, body shaking, walls squeezing his fingers hard enough to bruise. She recovers quickly, pulling him up so she can take his place.

If he's got to be an old man anyway, might as well be a dirty one, Ollie reasons as she unbuckles his belt. The perks are so much better.

Special Delivery

2007-06-12T23:18:32Z

Title: Special Delivery
Summary: Booster has a brilliant idea.
Fandom: DC
Word Count: 958
Rating/Warnings: PG, slight AU, WAFF, Rip Hunter as a deus ex machina, mpreg (I'm as shocked as you are)
Pairing: Booster Gold/Blue Beetle
A/N: For wtf27 Prompt 6. Sequel to To Have and To Hold. Well, I think if I write a high school AU, I will have broken every taboo known to fanfiction. God help us all. Cross-posted to boostle.

It was not a peaceful night in the Carter-Kord household.

"I don't want to talk about this again," Ted sighed as he climbed into bed.

"You can't keep ignoring what you know you want," Booster countered from the bathroom.

"What I want and what's going to happen are two different things."

"What about a surrogate?"

"Booster, all the women we know are superheroes."

"That's not true."

"You're right. Some of them are supervillains."

"We could always adopt," Booster offered.

"I can't even get insurance," Ted pointed out. "You think they're gonna give me a baby?" He shook his head, a little sadly. "Barring babies left on our doorstep, I just don't think it's going to happen."

Booster turned off the light and got into bed. "I'll think of something."

"Don't hurt yourself," Ted deadpanned, kissing his husband on the head and rolling over to sleep.

--

It was Sue who found him, swearing violently at the small white thing in his hand.

"Other people need to use the bathroom, too, you know," she told him, startling him.

"What does two lines mean?" Booster asked desperately, all but shaking her.

"Two lines?" she repeated, before realizing what he was holding. "Booster, if this is some kind of weird joke-" Seeing the pitiful expression on his face (something like a puppy left out in the rain), she stopped. Not knowing what kind of crazy person it was her job to deal with today, she picked up the box. "See? Right here? Here's a little chart," she told him soothingly. "Two lines means you're pregnant." She didn't really register what she had said until after she had said it, but by then Booster was already out the door.

Hearing shouts of jubilation, Ralph stretched his head around the corner. "What was that all about?"

Sue stared after Booster. "I have absolutely no idea."

--

The Blue Beetle was in the second hour of a very boring stakeout, wishing very much that he had brought a deck of cards, or perhaps a sandwich. He turned at the sound of footsteps to find that his teammate, Captain Atom had joined him. Beetle waved for Atom to join him on his uncomfortable perch.

"Watching for bad guys?"

"Art thieves."

"Good night for it."

"Yeah."

"So." Beetle looked at him expectantly. "Congratulations on knocking Booster up," Atom finally blurted.

"Thank you?" Beetle responded, nonplussed.

"I think it's… nice, and not creepy and gross at all."

"Have- have you been drinking?" Beetle finally asked.

Atom squinted at him. "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

"Hey, you're the one who came up here talking a bunch of nonsense," Beetle told him. "I was just trying to play along."

"You know what? You should go back to headquarters. I got this one."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Just… just go."

Beetle shrugged. "I owe you one."

--

"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"See, Rip has this bad habit of not locking up his time machine, only I guess it's not really a bad habit, since he knows I'm going to use it anyway, since he's all unstuck in time and everything-"

"Come on, Ted. Sit down on the nice, comfy chair-"

"Cram it, Marvel!"

"And this procedure was- will be- exists-"

"I just want you to know that if he has a heart attack on my floor, the HMO won't cover it. That's a pre-existing condition."

"And so I went and had it done, which took several months, I might add-"

"M'lord Gardner wishes it to be known that he will be in the nearest cantina until the child has reached the age of majority."

Finally entering the fray, J'onn pushed his way to Ted. "Compose yourself," he said, quieting his mind telepathically. "I will mediate. Your presence is not needed," he told the others. With much hemming and hawing, they trickled out of the room, Max leading the rear.

As soon as they were gone, Ted started in. "I can't believe you would do something so irresponsible and dangerous- no, wait, yes I can. I find that perfectly believable."

"If I had known you were going to be so ungrateful-"

"Ungrateful? You- You-" Ted made a noise of incoherent rage, and J'onn gave him a warning look.

"Yeah, ungrateful! I went through all kinds of hell, traveled through time, spent months without you-"

"You spent months away from me, I've been right here-"

"I only did it to make you happy."

Ted stopped short, sighing. "That's not fair. You can't get your emotional manipulation mixed up in my righteous anger."

"Yeah, well, you got your righteous anger in my emotional manipulation."

Ted smiled, despite himself. "You're a reckless idiot."

"That's no way to talk to the mother of your child," Booster replied with a grin.

"Are you really sure we should do this?"

"Hey, unless you know any male abortion clinics or time travelers who aren't pissed at me for stealing their stuff, we're doing this."

"We're going to have a hell of a time getting a birth certificate."

"Eh, we'll just get Max to forge some documents. It'll make him feel useful."

"I heard that!" Max called from just outside the doorway.

"Shhh! He'll know we're eavesdropping!" Mary whispered loudly.

Ted rolled his eyes, and they quietly snuck out through the other door.

--

"It's a boy," the harried looking nurse told Ted, "apparently."

"So much for Emily Michelle," Booster said lightly.

"I'm happy as long as we don’t call him Jarvis," Ted replied.

"There's always Theodore Michael."

Ted pulled a face. "No, there isn't."

"Jon?" Booster tried.

"Only if it's short for Jonathan."

"Cancel the Ativan," she said, looking back over her shoulder at the still-arguing couple. "And look up the number for the National Inquisitor."

To Have and To Hold

2007-06-12T23:17:16Z

Title: To Have and To Hold
Summary: Max strikes upon a plan that just can't lose.
Fandom: DC
Word Count: 1156
Rating/Warnings: PG, slight AU, unrepentant WAFF
Pairing: Booster Gold/Blue Beetle (yaaaaaaaay for Boostle!)
A/N: For wtf27 Prompt 18. Does Super Buddies HQ have a kitchen? Meh, does now. And I don't know what's up with their names. Sometimes Ted is Beetle, but Booster is always Booster. Also, I didn't notice until like halfway through that I retconned Gladys out of existence, but pbbt. Booster has a new target for his Wonder Woman costume. Cross-posted to boostle.
ETA: Sequel: Special Delivery.

"NO," they shouted in unison.

"Don't be so backwards," Max told them with a slightly oily smile. "It's very in right now."

"What about Beatriz and Mary?" Beetle offered, by way of a compromise. There was a long pause. He elbowed Booster, who had a faraway look on his face and the slightest hint of drool on his chin.

"You can go and tell Beatriz yourself then," Max replied.

Beetle, having a very distinct vision of the several pieces he would be broken into, tried a new tack. "What about all the backlash?

Max positively beamed. "That's the best part! This is the sort of thing that commands national media attention. We'll have pundits screaming about it for weeks."

Booster gave him a funny look. "Was that supposed to be encouraging?"

"Just trust me," Max told them, smiling beatifically.

Booster and Beetle eyed one another uneasily, completely unconvinced.

-

At Ted's insistence, the plan was to skip the wedding and move straight into the press conference. Unfortunately, when Mary found out, she (after expressing her congratulations and her regret that they were all going to burn in hell) took it upon herself to plan a simple ceremony. Even more unfortunately, when Max got wind of the plan, fourteen people in a board room at Kord Industries turned into two hundred people in a ballroom at the Metropolis Grand.

Booster adjusted his cowl for the third time. "This is going to end badly," he said, to no one in particular, as he regarded himself in the mirror.

"I'm sure the ceremony will go off without a hitch, sir," Skeets told him, fluttering unobtrusively over his shoulder.

"Not what I meant, Skeets," he replied with a sigh, but their conversation was interrupted by Sue, who brushed off his uniform and pushed him towards the door.

Feeling terribly conspicuous, he stationed himself in front of the officiant, shifting nervously from one foot to the other. He stared out over the crowd; it looked a little like a wedding was supposed to happen, but a costume party had broken out instead. The marriage of Michael Carter and Theodore Kord (if there had been one; the possibility seemed remote) may have passed without notice, but the marriage of Booster Gold and Blue Beetle was a must for any superhero of note. And not just heroes, apparently: Booster would swear later that Rainbow Raider had been in the back row.

The French doors at the end of the aisle swung open, and everything after that was a bit of a blur. Beetle came down the aisle, the minister said a few things, he duly collected the rings from his Best Robot, there was a kiss, they ate some cake, he decked Guy in the parking lot. In all, it turned out to be a lovely day.

Booster couldn't help feel the slightest pang of regret over the fact that none of it had been real.

-

"Should I carry you over the threshold?" Booster tried to joke as they reached the door to their suite, but Ted glared at him.

No expense had been spared on the honeymoon, apparently, and their suite was spacious and expensively tasteful. Ted was happy to see that there was a comfortable-looking couch; he had no doubts that he'd be spending several sleepless nights on it.

Ted startled at a loud pop behind him, and found Booster pouring out two glasses of champagne, bottle and flutes pilfered from the gift basket in the kitchenette.

"To wedded bliss," he said flippantly, raising one of the glasses. Ted took the other and threw it back in one gulp before taking the bottle. He carried it into the bedroom with him, swigging from it intermittently as he unpacked his suitcase.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were upset about something," Booster deadpanned, entering the room and throwing himself lightly onto the bed. He patted the comforter beside him. "C'mon. Gonna be a long week otherwise."

Ted sat down reluctantly, not relinquishing his grip on the bottle. "We never should have let Max talk us into this."

"Still upset that we made a mockery of the sacred institution of holy matrimony?"

"You do realize there's no good way out of this, right?" Ted was aware that he sounded just a tiny bit hysterical. "This is serious."

"You can retire, or change your codename, or just tell Max to go to hell," Booster pointed out, to no avail. Ted was clearly on a crazy little roll.

"This is going to change both of our lives, whether you like it or not," he went on. "We're going to be together- forever. You won't be able to so much as look at somebody else when you're in costume without having the papers all over us." He went to drink from the bottle again, but Booster snatched it away from him.

"You're being crazy," Booster said, trying to calm him. "It's not even legally binding. It's not like it has to mean anything."

Ted took a deep breath, not sure if he was actually going to get the words out. "What if I said that I wanted it to?" He asked, hating the way the words sounded.

He could practically see the thought click over in Booster's mind. "You never told me you were-"

"I'm not," Ted snapped.

Booster eyed him skeptically. "I think wanting to get married to a guy is pretty gay."

"It's not-" Ted stopped. "When this happened in my head, you weren't this calm."

Booster rolled his eyes. "In the future-"

"Please don't 'in the future' me now."

"All I'm saying is gender doesn't matter." This was clearly the last thing Ted was expecting to hear, especially coming from him. "What? I thought you were straight! I didn't think you'd wanna hear what I thought about the hot checkout boy."

"I'm not gay, alright? It's- It's-" Ted stammered, before stopping to breathe. "It's just you."

There was a long silence. Finally, Booster leaned over and took Ted's face in his hand, kissing him with surprising gentleness. Ted felt a weight had been lifted, like birds were singing, like half a dozen other romantic clichés were suddenly all true.

Booster broke away, smiling. "Damn good thing you married me, then."

-

It was a long, quiet week without them. Battles were fought and won without color commentary, and paperwork was actually completed for the first time since the team's inception.

After the all-too-brief respite, it was, of course, terribly jarring stumble over them in the kitchen, Beetle attempting to make a sandwich, both aided and hindered by Booster, who had his arms around Beetle's waist and who kept trying to steal the bread. Perhaps even more jarring was all the giggling.

Beatriz rolled her eyes. "You can quit with the act. Max isn't here."

"What act?" Beetle asked over his shoulder as Booster led him away by the hand.

How the World Was Made

2007-06-12T23:15:43Z

Title: How the World Was Made
Summary: "All that matters is that the sky that keeps going and the barely discernible taste of freedom."
Fandom: Firefly
Word Count: 1000
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, BDM spoilers
Pairing: Mal/Inara, Simon/Kaylee, Jayne/Kaylee
A/N: Originally written for mukashi2's Decalphabet Challenge, easily the most complicated challenge I have ever been in. Ten interconnected drabbles, each based on 1) some myth, legend, or folktale 2) a word starting with the same letter of the alphabet (mine was V). The work is based on Tsalagi (Cherokee) folklore, as recorded by James Mooney. Aside from "Concerning Living Humanity" and "The Lost Cherokee" (which are based on a sacred formula and a bit of oral history, respectively), each drabble is more or less a retelling (sometimes partial) of a Cherokee myth. The ethnography from which I took these myths is public domain and available free here. Phew.

Origin of the Pleiades and the Pine
Vocation

They set down on Osiris just after daybreak, long enough to get their business done, but not long enough to get caught.

“It’s what I’ve always wanted,” Simon told her, but her expression didn’t change. “You can still change your mind. There’s more than enough room for you. Mother said that you could-”

River shook her head. “Just because you get sucked back down to earth doesn’t mean that we all do.”

“Mei-mei,” he said, voice grave. “I need to know you’re okay.”

She laid a kiss on his forehead. “I’m better than okay, but I belong in the black.”

How They Brought Back the Tobacco
Verbatim

“They were all gonna die, you know.”

“Sure.”

“I’m serious. Little old ladies keelin’ over in the streets.”

“Just tell the story.”

“Now the Alliance officer in charge, he don’t believe anybody’s getting away with it. He’s expecting big ships, if anything, so he ain’t watchin’ too close. So we sneak in, smooth as you please, send Jayne down-”

“With just my knife and my da diao-”

“Shut up, Jayne- siphon the leaves right up into the cargo hold, and take off before he could blink. Never saw a thing, and the day was saved.”

“Mal, you’re a terrible liar.”

The Red Man and the Uktena
Vowed

There were Reavers once, when she was very small and the planet was untamed. Her family had hidden in a cave for the longest time, picking them off, until help finally came in the form of the first Alliance soldiers she’d ever seen.

The tallest, strongest one knelt down, brushing the tears off her face. He pressed a shiny new bullet into her hand, telling her that she’d never come to harm as long as she promised to believe.

Not caring if it makes her a traitor, Kaylee clutches it to her breast late at night, knowing there’s safety there.

The Bride from the South
Visitation

Kaylee came to see Simon exactly once after he moved home, and to call it an unmitigated disaster would be an insult to decent, law-abiding unmitigated disasters everywhere.

The grease stains on his mother’s good towels were the beginning, followed hard upon by his father’s supposedly unintentional slighting of Kaylee’s profession at dinner. They made it through to the entrée before Kaylee swore like a sailor, and the evening was rounded out by his mother’s hysterical crying fit over the poor choices of her little boy.

When Kaylee told Simon it was over, he couldn’t choose between crying and rejoicing.

Concerning Living Humanity
Vignette

When they’d gotten married, Wash’d only promised her one thing- that he would never, ever let her be lonely- and that was what Zoe missed most of all.

Mal went to sleep alone again, locking his door so he wouldn’t be tempted, as if his pride wouldn’t stop him.

All night, Jayne stayed up trying to figure out what to say to Kaylee to make her see, repeating the words over and over so he’d remember.

“We dwell in the blue house,” River chanted, dancing lightly down the floor, listening to all of them. “Bring us to the white road.”

The First Fire
Vox populi

The next order of business was to rebuild theirs.

It was not without some trepidation that Zoe and Mal found themselves in front of the supposed crime boss of Persephone.

“So these are the heroes who brought the truth to the people,” the pompous little man said mockingly. “This is quite an occasion.”

Mal refused to look anywhere except straight ahead. “I ain’t here to put on airs.”

“Don’t you get it?” he said, laughing. “You’re marked forever. I can charge double just for the privilege.”

Losing the job was worth the look on his face when they walked away.

The Rabbit and the Tar Wolf
Verdict

“Malcolm Reynolds, for the crimes of trespassing, public indecency, attempted larceny, and resisting arrest, this court finds you guilty. I hereby order you released under the supervision of Miss Inara Serra-”

“No, anything but that-” he started, over the judge’s words. The old man glared at him before starting again.

“At the leisure of the Guild. Dismissed.”

Mal struggled against the officers trying to carrying him, finally having to be dragged kicking to the shuttle.

“Why does that always work?” Mal asked as the door shut, holding up his cuffs. “Little help?”

She ignored him and went on with take-off.

Origin of Strawberries
Votive

Mal knew it was serious when dinner was suddenly full of fruit.

“What the hell is this?” he asked, picking at something in a suspicious blue color.

“It’s huckleberry pie,” Kaylee said angrily, slamming it onto Zoe’s plate. The fact that Jayne turned away when she got to him wasn’t lost on Mal.

He should have been expecting it when he turned a corner and found Jayne on his knees, holding up a little red fruit like an offering.

“Aw, hell, Jayne,” she said, pulling him up and kissing him on the cheek. “I never could stay mad at you.”

What the Stars Are Like
Veneer

River saw him again, long after the fact, on a godforsaken border moon. He hadn’t changed much, except for the shepherd’s weeds. She sat next to him in silence, because there was nothing to be said.

Because this was not the bar for quiet reflection, it wasn’t an hour before someone decided they made a fine target.

His friends dragged him away not a minute later, still muttering to one another about how it must have been a trap.

“Nature will always out, unfortunately,” he said sadly, leaving a coin on the bar and walking out into the dusty road.

The Lost Cherokee
Volition

So little by little they keep pushing out into the black. The worlds keep getting more and more civilized, and it just chafes. The big shiny planets don’t take kindly to the heavily armed, begrudge a man a fair fight, and are all too new to be fixed- there are, however, plenty of lonely rich men, but Inara knows why she stays.

Little by little they become the people they look like, all unpolished and wild and supposedly backward. But it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that the sky that keeps going and the barely discernible taste of freedom.

Sin to See Her Again

2007-06-12T23:14:54Z

Title: Sin To See Her Again
Summary: "Some of us are not the puppets of the Almighty.”
Fandom: Hellsing
Word Count: 644
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, AU, implied murder, disturbing subject matter, possible blasphemy
Pairing: Overtones of Alucard/Integra.
A/N: For wtf27 Prompt 8. It didn't feel right to use proper names, so I didn't. Title comes from the impossibly sexy REV 22:20 by Puscifer.

The last victim went down like all the rest, crying and swearing and profane. In these times, it was almost a shame. One expected a little more dignity, perhaps a touch of resignation among the already damned.

There was no great fanfare when she came down, though it seemed like there should have been; it was the kind of scene that demanded trumpets from on high. A kind of tarnished radiance emanated from her. When he’d thought of this moment, he’d foolishly dressed her in her old clothes, calm and tailored, without a spot.

Her armor, red and wet with blood from the knees down, made her look twice as large as he’d remembered. Her hair tumbled down around her shoulders, faintly shimmering in the last light of the setting sun. The effect was such that even he felt himself quail for the briefest of moments.

Her horse was an impatient mass of red, stamping and snarling. Flames flowed back from its hooves, its tail one long breath of fire. It moved as if it didn’t notice the weight of its rider or the massive, bone-hilted sword she carried.

“I had to eat half the city before you noticed,” he greeted her, aping upset.

She cocked an eyebrow at him, and for just a moment he could see the girl he’d protected so long ago underneath all the trappings. He put out a hand to help her dismount, but she ignored him, climbing gracefully off her steed as if it were nothing.

“I haven’t seen you since London.”

She squinted into the distance. “That was an apocalypse. This is the Apocalypse. I’ve had more important things on my mind.”

“I’m wounded,” he said. “Such harsh words for your humble sire, who only wanted to give you a little gift.”

“A ruined city is your idea of a gift?”

“That is your métier these days, isn’t it? I should think I saved you a good bit of work.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Ours is to do as we are commanded.”

“You mean ‘yours.’ Some of us are not the puppets of the Almighty.”

As if on cue, another horse, the color of a corpse three days dead, alit behind hers, catching his eye. It didn’t seem to have a single muscle, just a bunch of jangled skin and sinews stretched over thin bones, but it moved with an impossible grace.

He turned back to find her holding out a thick, gnarled staff, half-rusted blades arcing out from both ends.

“You always were a traditionalist,” he told her, pointedly not taking it.

“You always thought too highly of yourself,” she replied, still holding it out to him.

“What comes after?”

A shadow passed over her face. “There is no after for us.”

He threw back his head and laughed, the noise ringing around the twisted landscape. “After all the time you spent trying to be good.”

She stiffened a bit. “I was never trying to be good. I was only ever trying to do what was right.”

“His perfect little virgin sacrifice,” he sneered.

“You can stand around and mock me, or you can admit you haven’t got a choice.”

“Press ganged by His grace,” he said with a sigh, finally taking it from her.

“The Seal is opened,” she said, swinging back onto her horse. “You know what to do.”

Spurring her horse, she galloped across the bleak terrain, drawing her sword. He weighted the scythe in both hands, twirling it easily over his mount’s head. All the lifetimes he had lived, all the battles and the destruction, all of it suddenly seemed like mere practice for this moment.

Drawn by the sound of hooves, a group of survivors peeked out from behind a ruined building.

“Come and see,” he whispered, and then he was upon them.

Bulletproof: Chapter 1/?

2007-05-31T08:33:14Z

Title: Bulletproof
Chapter: 1/?
Summary: When one of his team is framed for a serious crime, House in determined to solve a murder mystery instead of a medical one.
Fandom: House
Word Count: 516
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, non-graphic murder
Pairing: None this installment, eventually House/Wilson
A/N: For house_fest Prompt 6 and wtf27 Prompt 26. One of the giant pile of fics I need to finish by tomorrow night which likely will not be done. This fic turned out really, really long, so I'm breaking it up (cause it's not done and won't be by the deadline). Also, I'm not taking any chances with the late LJ unpleasantness. From here on out, my fic will be simulcast here and on JF (where I am also sabinelagrande). Any questionable fic has been locked and will be reposted there.

It had been a long goddamned day. Their patient- old, Russian, cantankerous, and a general pain in the ass- had coded twice and coughed sputum all over his new- and very expensive- jacket. As if that wasn't enough, his father had treated the man years ago, and he'd had to endure a long, angry lecture about how medical ability was apparently not hereditary. Chase knew he shouldn't have snapped back, but he couldn't deny how good it had felt.

Just one last check on the old bastard, and Chase would feel completely justified in going home for a night's rest.

It was eerily quiet in the patient's room. It took Chase several moments to realize that the heart monitor was silent. He started to rush to the bed, but his foot kicked something heavy, which hit the bed frame with a resounding clang. By the time he realized what it was, he'd also realized there was no need to hurry.

Something in the back of his brain was screaming that he shouldn't have picked it up, but it was just a dream, wasn't it? This couldn't be real. He'd wake up at any moment, wouldn't he?

That was how the nursing staff found him, monitors screaming, gun dangling from his right hand.

--

"If he's not awake and talking yet, I'm not interested," House said, stretched out and sleepy in his chair, as Cuddy came slamming into his office.

"Kind of hard to talk with that bullet in his forehead," she snapped, and Cuddy had the supreme pleasure of watching him fall out of his chair.

As Cuddy helped him to his feet, the only snappy remark he could think to make was, "I didn't prescribe that."

"Foreman's talking to the police, but they want you," she told him, ignoring his remark.

"When did this happen?" House asked as they hurried down the hallway.

"Just a minute ago," she replied, not ready to tell him the whole story. "Why didn't you answer your pager?"

"Lost it in a tragic water polo accident," House lied, casually. "Shouldn't you be a lot more upset about this whole murder thing?"

"I had Wilson score me some Valium," she deadpanned.

There was a large man, badge already in hand, waiting for them at the patient's room. He nodded to Cuddy as he pushed the door open for them.

"Detective Miller," the man with the badge told him.

"That's nice," he replied, pushing the man out of the way.

"Coroner will be here shortly," Miller said, lips pursed. "We've found the murder weapon. We shouldn't be troubling you for much longer, Doctor Cuddy."

"Small caliber handgun?" House asked, examining the patient's forehead.

The detective nodded. "He never left the room with it."

"That would be great if he'd died of a gunshot wound," House said casually, drawing speechless stares from the assembled. "Jesus, don't you people watch CSI?"

--

"It's done," his contact said. "Should I disengage?"

"Negative. Stay until suspicion has been diverted."

"Done."

"Not to my satisfaction. You will stay until you are recalled. Clear?"

A heavy sigh. "Affirmative."

1337 Maya Skillz!

2005-10-04T04:20:58Z

Yaxchilan Stela 11. Drawing from the FAMSI archives.

Transcription (in Yucatec style classic Mayan; punctuation added for translator's ease)

bolon baktun, waklajun katun, jun kin, chum winal, chum kin, buluk ajaw [lunar information] waxak sek joy ti ajawlel yaxun balam u chaan aj uk aj jun kal, ox katun kalomte, k’ul ajaw [Yaxchilan] yal ixik ik chaanali ixik aj k’ujunil ixik b’akab’ u b’a u chit jo k’atun ajaw itzamna balam u chaan aj nik k’ul ajaw [Yaxchilan] b’akab’

Rough Literal Translation

9 baktuns, 16 katuns, 1 tun, 0 kins, and 0 days after the beginning of recorded time, on the day 11 Ajaw [information about the lunar cycle] 8 Sek, was tied on the ajawship to Bird Jaguar, the captor of he of Uk, he of the 21 captives, 3 katun kalomte of Yaxchilan, he the son of Lady Wind, the heavenly Lady of the Books the upstanding one, he the son of the five katun ajaw, Shield Jaguar, he the captor of he of Nik, divine ajaw of Yaxchilan, the upstanding one

Poetic Translation

On the day 11 Ajaw 8 Sek, 9 baktuns, 16 katuns, and 1 tun after the beginning of recorded time during the 5th day of [moon name] having x number of days, the ajawship passed to Bird Jaguar, captor of he of Uk, he of the 21 captives, a 3 katun kalomte of Yaxchilan. He is the son of the heavenly Lady Wind, who is called the upstanding Lady of the Books, and the divine five katun ajaw of Yaxchilan Shield Jaguar, the upstanding captor of he of Nik.