| i am ... well... me. |
[30 Jun 2005|01:24am] |
i like the anonymity of this journal and that's why i usually put my most depressed thoughts here. i feel like such a loser all the time. i think that's why i like being in san francisco because i'm away from everythign and everyone. i love my family so much but when i am here... i just feel misunderstood.
this trip i don't think that i would have spent so much time away from home... if i ... well no excuses. i just wanted to see people and well i guess when you make some where your base of operations it just seems fitting that you wouldn't need to be there. i don't know. it's also hard because i don't have a car so my mobility is limited and well... my house is rather far from humanity. that has always been a problem but of course my family doesn't get it because they stay in a south of the 54 range of life. and generally, the 8 freeway is where the cut off is between people's lives. i however have made a life for me on both sides and thus it is rather hard to meld the two together. but that is something resembling an excuse so i will leave it there.
i really love this guy-- i wonder if things will work out. i have a feeling -- actually i have no feeling whatsoever. i'm not really allowing myself to speculate either way because it, at this point, is very 50/50. part of me wants to remind him that i still exist but the larger part of me says: let him dictate your existence because you don't want to push it. i know that when i am on vacation from people (especially those with colorful shall i say history) I don't want to know about them all the time. It's like: when those people come up I'm just like OH GOD here we go. But when I want to talk to them I'm just like YAY I've missed you. That, and I don't think that I'm entirely gone from his life. ;) There's little ways... lurks you know? Anyway...
I also think this: regardless of what happens in a few weeks when things are over, do I really want to be with him? I mean here's the situation: is he smart enough (as horrible as that sounds) is he independent enough for me? I think in some ways we could be rather compatible but there are certain things which I'm not aware of about him. As my friend said once: He looks like he likes to be bossed around. Well... that's fine and all but ... well I'll have to see I suppose. I'm sure its in there somewhere. Or am I in denial? I'm sure it's the second because I've noticed some rather distressing characteristics about him and, to boot, any guy that isn't all over keeping me as theirs is an idiot. then again, when you know you already have them without even having to date them-- it is an entirely different story, isn't it? Oh well... everything happens as it shall and you can't change what goes down only affect what might next occur.
with that said, would my parents be compatible with the "perfect hippies?" I don't know about that and a large part of me says: honey give it up because if it's to happen it shall. who says that it matters at all if parents get along? I mean, a large part of me says: blow it all-- they're going to like who I like. But a larger part says: you know it's not that easy. So, once again, i find myself bending to my family's will. I rebelled once and all I had left was my smoking and drinking which really was never all that wonderful but for the inherent rebellion and attitude with which I was able to do it. Sigh... I am nothing.
I just feel like this overrated bitch all the time. I really don't like it. I try to project an image of success and confidence (which I do have) but sometimes I just feel like crap about myself. There are so many things which I've done which... well... I don't know. I think that I am done with that for now.
Nite.
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| oh woe is me... sometimes... perhaps? |
[07 May 2005|02:50am] |
i am so ... silly. and lost. and found. and generally left in limbo.
i want to be sexually stimulated. but i want to be loved. i want to be paid for. but i want to pay for everyone. i want the sex, i want the desire. the brevity. the wit. i want to be taller, i want to be fit. i want to rhyme and i want to be arbitrary and follow no particular pattern. i want to be liked and i want to sit atop my throne of men and pretend like i don't care about any of them. but oh it is hard. i think dependency is the bitch. i think that sex is the drug of choice and hence my ability to effectively abdicate all ties to the rest. my throat aches of cigarette smoke and my head spins with the hobs that are the ales i consumed. i didn't ask for this life but i always dreamt of it. i effectively get what i desire but i don't any more want it than i pretend i do. i want to be the object of every man's eye and i want to be the envy of every girl... but when i achieve thus, i am wont to be there.
i am limbo.
i want the girls, i want the guys. i want it all and i want it now. and i feel demanding and intrusive. but i want them. i want to feel their supple lips across my holy stimulant and i want to feel their curves with my pervasive hands. oh i do want it. oh i do desire it. and i can not wait until it is mine. it shall be. my body aches for it to be. and i try to be brief but i am thinking words that far surpass what might ever be deemed "brevity."
i am in desire, and lust for the infamous touches that are the hands of attraction fleeting or persistant. if i were a weaker girl i might succumb to the first to express such an emotion. but i am not one and thus i suffer at the break of dawn yearning for the touch of one. and thus, i am here. still. desiring the hands of any one upon my bosom into my deviant crack... down my spine, down penetrating the reservations of my mind.
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| wouldn't it be grand... |
[04 Apr 2005|02:05am] |
wouldn't it be grand if you were to stumble upon my deepest darkest thoughts? To read this journal and none others and to think, "wow, Sarah is crazy!" Yes, I think it would be rather entertaining. I have already posted things for all the world to see. The internet is like a black hole of publishing. What is typed here once is definitely viewable somehow sometime in some way again. Although I hardly think it is something that is easy to find, it is still there for the duration of the success that is the internet.
Anyway, here I am just moving away from all points that might be made... So I'm a bit nervous letting out my inner inhibitions... I can't help but feel slightly overwhelmed by the reactions that might be other people. Especially those people who I have come to regard highly and felt a connexion to.
but, all this spawned from the ex boyfriend i had been dating since november (who dumped me twice) molesting me last night. it's kind of hard to say that because I am a very sexual person so it's not as though I cared too much but when i thought about the audacity someone has to have to do that (especially when our relationship is uncertain) it made me feel awkward. Besides, touching someone when they are asleep is never okay... wow... it's so fucked up.
so san francisco has seen two counts of sexual quandary:
1) being taken advantage of while drunk and pretty much blacked out
2) last night.
as long as things are dandy...
time to soak away the pain in a shower (bath is broken :P)
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| i can't sleep today |
[20 Jan 2005|08:57am] |
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we're in love and we might get married. I don't know when but wouldn't it be grand if it were to be true? He wants to elope with me to Vegas on a whim and we can marry and then return to school as though nothing happened. I really do love him and I would marry him. I just wonder if I would be making a mistake... the doubt. That's what I should call him from now on. He just has this hold on my life that I don't understand. And I didn't understand at the time. Oh, terrible terrible tide (the decemberists haha!). I was reading things I had written and I just smile at how terribly immature I was at the time. I didn't even contemplate anything more with him- I wanted to keep him as mine and only mine but I didn't care I really did just want to be friends. I just wanted to have his smile- to see it every day again like before and to hear his laugh... oh. But more than anything I just wanted his company because I was never as happy with anyone as I was with him. I can adapt to any situation and I can make friends with anyone but there has been no one who I feel completely understands me and gets my style as he does. And no matter what point I am at in my life- I feel the same. Who else could sit and talk about movies with me for hours? Who else would like all types of music and want to explore and how silly that he always wanted to come to San Francisco and I am here and I have always been in love with LA and he is there. And how funny that once again the distance is between us. Isn't that always how it's been? But... isn't it always that he gives me the signal it's okay to be chased and I chase from there on? I always wonder whwat he really does feel for me for I have no clue. I assume it's something like what I feel for him because otherwise why would he bother after all this time but I don't know- I can't understand and I don't understand and it really does drive me partially insane. Oh how I just want to laugh. And it's like... maybe he's the ultimate player. Maybe he's the one that's insanely smart and has more important games to play than how many girls he can do. Maybe he's the one that I should be worried about and not the midshipmen of the world. I doubt it. And then, I wonder how I could be so alone with someone who I'd really like to love. I really love him with all that I have... which isn't enough. It isn't enough because he's mine but I am not his. It's not fair it's not fair and I just want to tell him to let me know so I can go about my ways... perhaps I shall just have to make the decision. Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm just an idiot. I'm just a silly girl in pursuit of love. That's all. I don't care who it's with that's all I've ever wanted and I suppose I'll never be happy until I find it and I've already found it so it's impossible for me to be happy with anyone else but I will try until the day I die- and he will try too and it will drive me insane.
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| shall i be creative enough to come up with something better than "whatever"? |
[29 Dec 2004|04:09am] |
There she sat at four o clock in the morning. It was, as the computer dutifully relayed, actually four ten in the AM. However, she, as well as the rest of the general public, knew that it was just as good if not more dramatic to state it as "four o clock in the morning." Her eyes were probably half open but they felt wide and were a bit sore- probably from not wearing the expensive and very chic, cool glasses she had bought for her decently bad eyesight. Decently bad, you ask, is when your eyes aren't bad enough to necessitate glasses all the time but bad enough to justify their purchase and usage. Anyway, she sat contemplating love. Love love love, was all that her mind was ever on- since she was a child.
She typed in the dark. The white computer screen reflected its psuedo light onto her darkened skin. She lay in bed with an old comforter of her mothers (she remembered it from her parent's bedroom when she was a child) pulled up to her chest. She wore her boyfriend's Led Zepplin shirt (it was grey with white lettering in the classic manner of the band). She adjusted the blanket so it covered her breasts evenly- she was quirky in just that manner to where things had to feel equal or else they were of minorly large annoyance- minorly large being the minor annoyance that is easily ignored if no other immediate solution presents itself and large comes in that it really is annoying enough to be rather upset about but not enough to complain bitterly and be ruined of a mood because of it. She paused in her typing for a moment to listen to the outside's chaoticly peaceful rain. The awning above the computer room in her house flapped wildly against the walls of the house while the rain fell consistently and beautifully to the streets outside. She began to type again and it was apparent that she was clenching her jaws tightly. She didn't know why she did that but she was sure that one day it would be detrimental to her dental health. Then again, so was not flossing and so far, she hadn't integrated that into her routine so she shrugged her shoulders and continued ignoring her clenched jaws.
What was she writing, you ask, well see that was always the question she asked herself. There were always so many words and ways to say what she felt- but only one thing ever really bothered her. She could be satisfied with not knowing the meaning of life. She could be satisfied with not knowing where she would be in ten years. She could let herself be satisfied with not knowing a lot of answers to a lot of questions, but she could not be satisfied with not understanding love. Because, she believed quite honestly, that love was life and life was music and music was love but above all she believed that love was life and through love you would understand life. And thus, she wrote about her passionate love affairs- or those non-existant.
"why" she thought, "did love lend itself to me, in the form of not just one but three? why do i torture myself so not being able to let go of one or all or any for the matter is i cannot live with three in my life i need only one by my poor side and i cannot decide for all will be wonderful in enough time..." and thus she continued ambivalent to the world. She liked to describe her woes through poetry... and thus, was the method tonight.
Her three, as she spoke of, were of an odd assortment- but all were wonderful in her mind. The first she had never let go since the first day she saw him and the last day they spoke over four years ago. The second one she had dated for at least a year and a half and just recently broke up with for the third she now dated. When she was with any, at the best moments, she was so happy and the world seemed quite right. But, when they all three intertwined amoungst each other- things became difficult and she knew that some sort of decision was wont to be made. It seemed obvious enough to choose her beau as someone who should be near her the most- ala her lover of north california. But she could never just let go of a relationship that was so long in the making... and to the dismay of most likely both gentlemen, the one fruitless endeavour of years past would probably win if she were to have an honest choice. but she didn't have any necessity of choice so she remained ancy to return home to her "heroin box" and get away from the drudgery that is small city and the ties that would bind her only in SD.
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| sigh |
[19 Nov 2004|01:35am] |
i think i love you]
well i'd like to anyway
but i want to know now if i'm making a mistake
and i should take this pill
and i am going to right now
ev
i
i still love you
i'm scared to say it
but i'd like to anyway
and i could repeat myself a millino times
because i do
you make me feel good
and bad all at once
you scare me
and you make me feel comfortable
and you make me...
partake
i ...
appreciate it.
thanks for giving me a breath of life
please don't go away
desperate perhaps
i honestly like your company
and maybe i'm being stupid
by not letting everything go
but i'm scared you're going to leave me
alone
i guess i'm being silly i'm sorry
i still love you
well i'd like to anyway
is that ...
okay with you?
we should get to know each other better i think
but the words want to come out anyway
i'm sorry
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| unhappy face crying |
[07 Nov 2004|03:46pm] |
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why do i suck so bad at life? i live in a nice apartment with a stupid evil girl. i don't like how she tries to make me feel like an idiot- she tried to tell me i don't drink red wine and tell me how to drink it from a glass and whatever. i'm like what the hell i don't care. she doesn't clean at all she's very lazy and i never get to see greg any more. he was my friend before she was and i don't particularly like her very much (fuck you very much). but whatever... i just can't stand up to people. they tell me how to feel and what my problem is and if they can't figure it out they tell me how i normally am and say they don't understand why i am not their way. they tell me that i'm making a mistake or that i'm making the right choice and they tell me it's my fault when they add a no fault clause at the end of their conversations. when we fight i don't get to speak in my defense. every word i choose is another reason why i'm wrong (but i'm right). i'm very exhausted in a lot of ways emotionally and i just want to get away. i don't like being here any more to be honest i don't really care where i am as long as i don't have to talk to them. as long as i have money at the end of the night and a smile i'm cool. i'm pretty easy going i think. actually i could easily say i know. i really don't care as long as i'm going to have a good time- that's probably why i like hanging out by myself because i know i'm going to have fun. i make my fun- i even like crying so it's okay. insert smiley face here. i don't mind my orange juice with pulp- :) hehe. but yeah... i just really don't know how to stand up for myself. i um take a lot of crap from people. i say it's because i'm easy going but it really does bother me some things. yeah. no it really annoys me not doing your share of work- i really don't like that. and i feel bad because i'm late for work but i really don't care any more. i think i'm depressed. and it's my choice but then again i don't know what to say because it's kind of inevitable with the things going on right now. if people are constantly criticizing you for everything it gets kind of hard to have confidence and even though i have confidence in myself then i think i'm wrong and look for reaffirmation and usually the reaffirmation is in my favor but warped with the other person's bias and therefore i'm kind of constantly conflicted... it's like tug of war. and a lot has to do with my boyfriend and my roommate. i can't just dump either one especially the roommate and so it kind of gets hard because they hate each other and i don't like my roommate so i don't care but it doesn't keep her mouth shut so it doesn't really matter that i don't like her because her comments still wind up being heard and then i think about them and it conflicts me. or annoys me. mostly annoys but whatever. i have to go even though i don't want to. i should have called work earlier but i didn't feel like it i was just going to lie and say that i thought i was coming in at a different time but then i got into an argument with my boyfriend and i stopped caring about the different time.
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| my decision to be lesbian has nothing to do with my ideas on man and woman |
[03 Nov 2004|02:42am] |
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i am not going to be lesbian, per say, but i do definitely feel that despite the fact that man and woman are natural (and yes I do believe that) there are other factors that come into play here than just sexual attraction. naturally man and woman are going to be attracted to each other for purely instinctual reasons revolving mainly around procreation. However, being that coitus is also made to be pleasurable (otherwise why bother?) there then factor in new circumstances. It is also instinctual nature to attempt at domination of those who threaten or challenge our security- animals exhibit this characteristic quite frequently with sodomizing their opposition. This has been a tactic used by even our own more neurologically advanced species- think of the Black Panthers who used sodomization as a humiliation tactic to assert dominance and power over dissenters. It is also a recognized truth that the "g-spot," in such referance, is located in the male rectum. Because of this, it is understandable that pleasure would and could be derived from same-gender sex between males. As far as females are concerned, the stimulation comes from agitation of the clitoris. There are also sensors located on the inner sides of the vagina but the "g-spot" is the aforementioned clitoris. Thus, it is understandable how a female could be satiated with contact exempt of penial intrusion since the predominant stimulation fails to involve the penetration of that organ. In addition, because of our advanced neurological state, it is not surprising that we would then also factor in emotional preferances based upon traumatic experience like rape, molestation, and others. There is also the question of social solidarity and lifestyle choice. Though someone may not particularly care for punk music, the lifestyle might be glamourous to them and therefore entice them to try the scene. There are so many factors which I believe lend themselves to argument in pertainance to the decision to be gay or lesbian. I do sincerely believe that it is an emotional reaction- animals are not exempt from so-called "homosexual" behaviour- there are definite and constant instances where same sex animals engage in sexual behaviour. The difference stands in that animals, unlike humans, have a much simpler social existence and hierarchy as well as emotional and therefore neurological capacity. but that's just me...
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| possibley maybe |
[02 Nov 2004|12:47pm] |
last night i had a dream about rosario- actually it wasn't a dream it was a fantasy... isn't that dirty? hehe...
ever since that time we rolled together and she kept wanting to make out with me i've been like damn- i'd so make out with you any time. it's like... cool.
and i don't feel dirty or bad about it at all. in fact, i feel less dirty fantasizing about girls than i do about guys. and, on top of that, i actually get a kick out of it-- i mean i actually get turned on and horny. with guys, all the fizz is kind of gone. i don't think i'm quite a lesbian but i'm definitely bored. and i'm okay with that.
and i'm not bored of everyone... just some people.
and i'm tired of getting taken advantage of.. it's like this last time was seriously the last time i ever wanted to like have sex again. i hardly remember any of it- i think if i had been in my right state of mind i never would have done it and i woke up and my legs hurt, i had a bruise on my neck and my vagina bled a little... it was just very unpleasant and i really don't know how to talk about it because it was one of my friends. i feel really violated and i don't know who to talk to because my roommate doesn't seem to care and... i can't tell my mom- it's like not a big deal but it kind of is. it's like, fucked up. and i don't know what to say or do but it's really kind of fucked with me and i don't ever want to talk to that person again but he was my friend and i just... whatever
time to go vote.
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