Simon and John: Boat Trip part 3
(Backdated to May 25th. Still out on the high seas, but about to head home. Rest of the trip can be found here, with links )
"Well," Simon says, coming back to the cockpit to join John where his lover is sitting with one foot lazily (and sexily) on the boat's wheel. "We should be back near LA by afternoon tomorrow," he says, reaching down to trim a line, eyes on the sail. "Figure we can make it back up to the little island tonight then head for home in the morning?"
John looks up from the book he's reading, peering at Simon over his glasses. "Sounds good, it's been a great break but I gotta admit to looking forward to my own bed and my spa bath," he grins.
"Ah yes, the bed," Simon agrees, pushing John's foot gently off the wheel and taking control of the boat himself. A slight adjustment, a whoosh and a jerk as the wind catches the sails and they're picking up speed on the warm breeze. "I thought the bed on the boat was good, and it is, except when you're two 6 foot plus men trying to have sex," he chuckles.
"Yeah you do tend to like to throw yourself around quite a bit," John remarks dryly, turning a page. Simon is nothing if not a restless sleeper.
"It has nothing to do," he pauses, leaning forward to let the main sheet out a bit. "Nothing to do with sleeping...it's your long legs. There's not room to get them all the way up," he says casually, a grin on his face.
"Fuck off Simon," John semi growls pushing his glasses back up his nose and choosing to ignore Simon's shit eating grin. The entire time they've been on the boat Simon has topped, and it's getting to be unusually regular.
"I want my own bed and my high thread count sheets thank you," he says archly.
"And I want your cock," Simon answers casually, eyes on the sails.
Sighing John put his book down, and pulls his glasses off his face, doing so makes Simon nothing more than a blur. "I wondered how long it'd be before you bought that up," he admits, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Is it a problem?"
He shrugs, glancing at John then back at the horizon. "Only if it's a problem that's keeping you from me," he answers, relaxing back a little as the boat takes over and rides the wind.
He keeps his glasses off, it's easier to talk while he can't see Simon's face. "It's not you baby," he says carefully. "I don't know what it is, but it isn't you," He reaches down the side of his seat and discards his book, exchanging it for a bottle of water.
Simon nods, a quick glance at John and then away again, giving his lover the privacy of not staring at him. "We haven't switched it up since the first day of the trip." It's a comment, nothing more.
John takes a long drink of the water, licks his lips before he answers. "maybe that'll change when we get home," he offers, not sure what else to say.
He doesn't want to push but, "You don't sound so sure, babe," he answers, giving him a slightly longer look.
"No," John admits looking down at the water bottle in his hand, that too is nothing much more than a blur. He pushes his glasses back on and runs his hand through his hair. "I'm not,"
Simon leans over and ties off the main sheet then sits back on the seat beside John, his foot on the wheel. He reaches out with one hand and squeezes John's shoulder. Just talk to me baby...you can say anything.
He reaches up and covers Simon's hand with his own, the touch is comforting and grounding, exactly how it was meant. He swallows and looks out over the sea. "I had a wobble, while I was away last time," he starts slowly, his voice low. "Some twat who didn't know any better offered me some blow. And.. for just a moment," he pauses and frowns. "I considered it," There he's said it now.
"Mmhmm," Simon murmurs noncommittally. It's been, as far as Simon knows, years since John's had any set backs at all, let alone with the coke. Considering doing it is far, far different than doing it.
This is Simon being non judgmental, most times it's exactly what John needs, and occasionally - irrationally - it makes him fucking angry.
"That all you have to say?"
"What do you want me to say John? You didn't do it, you haven't done it in a long time and I trust you." Simon looks at his lover again, holding his gaze this time. "Unless there's more to it?" He asks, half suggesting.
John shakes his head, breaks eye contact and looks away. "It scared me, how much I wanted it," he lets out a frustrated breath. "It's been a long time since I wanted coke, alcohol yes, but not the coke, it scared me, that I still craved it,"
Simon sighs. This is a conversation everyone who's ever been in love with an addict has had many, many times over. "Johnny," Simon says gently, making a slight correction to the direction of the boat then giving his attention fully back to his lover. "It happens, babe. You know it does. Cravings don't just vanish because you want them to, the desire?" His hand slips around to the back of John's neck, squeezing softly. "You should hook back up with a group when we get home maybe?"
"Yeah, I already made some inquiries," he admits, leaning back into Simon's hand. "I know it's stupid, I know it means the very opposite but I feel like I'm being weak having to go back to meetings,"
"Well you're not," Simon answers quickly. "Weak is doing the coke," he leans in and kisses John's cheek.
Reaching his hand out John looks for Simon's, when he grabs it he curls his fingers through those of his lover and squeezes. "it's been a knock back, I guess...maybe, that's why I haven't wanted to top, I wanted you to be in charge, be the strong one." Maybe I need more TLC than I care to admit to?.
Simon chuckles softly. "Maybe," he agrees. "Don't worry, I don't mind," his fingers squeeze back. "Being in charge I mean," he specifies with a soft smirk, even though he means either being in charge or John's weaknesses. He's accepted John for who and what he is for as many years as John has accepted him.
"So, you're okay with it, for a while, til I get my vibe back?" John turns in his seat wishing they were somewhere he could snuggle into Simon for a good old fashioned comfort hug. Simon was the reason he got sober and clean, and Simon remains the reason he stays that way.
He nods, pulling his hand from John's and wrapping his arm around his lover's shoulder. "Of course, babe. I'm just glad you told me." He pulls him a little closer against him. "We both know...it's been a hell of a lot worse."
They stay like that for a number of minutes until John pulls away. "I need coffee, do you want one?" he asks, clearly trying to put their talk behind him. "and then can you reapply my sun cream?"
"No, water please," Simon answers but waits until John's back is to him to frown. It's not the first time he's seen his lover take a turn back toward his demons. He doesn't usually go too far down the road, not in the past several years, but Simon's early warning radar is up. He wonders if a trip to the UK might be more needed than he'd figured.
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