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February 1st, 2009
07:33 pm - A letter
Dear Person Who Broke Into Our Car While It Was Parked At The Corner of 13th & Kenyon in NW DC Saturday Night,
First off, allow me to thank you for being a moron, and opting to leave virtually everything in the car alone. I realize that we did not leave you many options for things to thieve, and your choices were limited, but still, you left behind most of the things that we would consider valuable, and for that we owe you our thanks. Afterall, you COULD have stolen my 2 GB mp3 player with the viewscreen (valued new at $65), but instead you opted to take the 1 GB mp3 player (Magus') WITHOUT the viewscreen (valued new at $35). It was over 1.5 years old, and due to be replaced anyway. Was it merely the fact that the 2 GB player had a dead battery that deterred you? I have to assume so, since you took it out of its hidey-hole and left it on the driver seat for me the way that you did. *shrug*
Taking the 3 ft long auxiliary jack cable (valued new at $12.95) was a tad more annoying, though, as we had to suffer with just radio airplay and CDs to listen to on the way home. But, as this was only possible because you opted to leave both the stereo (factory) in place AND all of our CDs (approximately 12, heavily used ones), I guess I really shouldn't complain.
It also makes sense that you opted to steal the (almost entirely) empty messenger bag that Magus so loved (valued new at $15) over his Nike Gym Bag (valued new at $20), seeing as how the gym bag was filled with his sweaty gym clothes. Who would want to steal THAT after all? And really, that messenger bag WAS quite cute (it took Magus nearly two years to find one that he liked that much. Glad that we could do the leg work for you on that). On a similar note, I'd like to thank you for leaving behind my running shoes (valued new at $100), as they are the only thing I have ever won, and I would have been perturbed to have lost them in such a fashion.
Lastly, I would like to thank you for opting to break the BACK door window, rather then the front window, as it allowed us to drive home without worrying about sitting on broken glass, as that really would have ruined our day.
Admittedly, I'm less thankful that I now have a $220 window replacement bill all so that you could steal approximately $62.95 worth of used goods (so really, they are probably only worth about $40 TOPS) and gain access to approximately 500 MB of mp3's that you probably won't even appreciate (I do so hope that you like "Faith No More"). But hey *shrugs* at least I lucked out, and got a moron to break into my car for the very first time ever, because I think we can all agree that it could have been so much worse if a person in possession of more then 3/10 of a brain cell had decided to go for a joy ride with a crowbar last night (as the amount of broken glass in the general vicinity of my car's parking spot would indicate), right?
Signed, Your Overall (Mostly - But Not Really) Thankful Car Owning Victim
P.S. I hope you got glass imbedded in your limb or other important body part. Like, say, perhaps, your ass - as the image of you slipping and falling and cutting your rear end on the broken shards of my car window fills me with endless amounts of glee. (I've never claimed to be THAT good of a person). Cheers!
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