All my best friends come in bottles...

Help? Anyone?

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Wed, 21 Jan 2004 19:11:16 GMT

Cross-posted to InsaneJournal and LiveJournal, just because I can.

Observation of the update: My fandom quacks! (You needn't understand that.)

My computer monitor (at home) has started doing this weird flickering thing...it'll flicker and the screen will take on this red/magenta tint. Doesn't happen all the time; hasn't happened for quite a while, in fact; but I've noticed that it's particularly bad when I'm running Paint Shop Pro or Corel Photo-Paint 9. As far as I know, Photo-Paint 8, Photoshop and Painter don't seem to exacerbate the problem.

Are those two art programs fucking with my computer somehow, or do I just need to get ready to buy a new monitor?

Whew, I'm still here.

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Wed, 14 Jan 2004 22:47:09 GMT

Furry art bits *yawn*

kazumifinal.jpg

sahiyena.gif

zui.jpg

In other news...I came home from work the other night (Monday, I think) to discover that my not-quite-year-old yard kitten has learned to catch birds but not kill them. Seeing him carry around a robin that was nearly as big as himself was strangely amusing.

This is just some printing.

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Wed, 07 Jan 2004 19:32:39 GMT

I'm 25; I live with my parents. Which is not a bad thing; the house is built so that there's the "main" section, and then a set of rooms that function as an apartment (before my parents married and moved in, the rooms were rented out), and that's the bit I've got, so we live in the same *building* but don't necessarily see a lot of each other. It's a decent setup; they don't hinder me, and since they're both rather up in years--Dad's 79, Mom's 60, and no I'm *not* adopted, I just came along late--I like being close by.

Most of the time.

Who the HELL is Jimmy Snow and why is my mother convinced he's so right about the end of the world????

My family's Methodist, though at one point we dabbled in Mormonism. Haven't been in the LDS church since late 2000; though they continue to ~~harass~~ try to contact us, we aren't talking back. Unfortunately neither of my parents is comfortable going back to the Methodists, PLUS they work--as newspaper couriers--on Sunday mornings, so they don't go to church. I don't go either, but for a completely different set of reasons. Anyway.

So my mom doesn't do church, but she tunes in daily to the ~~vast yet pathetic right-wing conspiracy~~ joy that is Christian television, and it's causing some problems. It's getting so that religion isn't something we can talk about anymore; she's all up on this "end times prophecy" stuff, and to me it's just so much shit that some guy in a suit is literally pulling out of his ass. I'm not a Biblical literalist: I don't believe in the Rapture--any competent historian can tell you that's a 19th-century invention and NOT Biblical--I don't believe that the Antichrist is going to come out of the Middle East, and if ANYBODY deserves to burn in hell for bad writing, it's those loons who write the "Left Behind" series. Stop tampering with things you literally know nothing about, and PLEASE stop taking the Bible--prophecy or otherwise--out of the context in which it was written!!!

I'm beginning to wonder the same thing about my mother that I wondered about some of the people I met in the Mormon church: how can an otherwise intelligent person BELIEVE some of this???

I love Jesus--really--but evangelical Christianity can bite me.

painterpainterpainter

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Mon, 05 Jan 2004 19:19:23 GMT

I just saw my sister's ex-husband.

Mind you, this is not normally an occasion for joy, but he's the UPS courier for this area and he just brought the copy of MetaCreations Painter 6 that I bought myself for Christmas.

I'm going to go sit in the corner and emit noises of rapture now.

In other news...

First pic of 2004. It's getting recolored so that she's not pink.

So. Addicted.

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Fri, 02 Jan 2004 21:27:52 GMT

My mother's always said I was addicted to soda. I used to laugh at her.

That was before I ran out of RC Cola. On the day before a holiday. When nothing's open.

I feel so wretched without caffeine and sugar. *whimperwhimperwhinebitchbitch*

In other, slightly more positive news, I've drawn my first art bit of 2004, but I've got to redo it. I spent two hours Photoshopping it, then I resized it...and THEN I realized I'd fucked it up.

Thankfully, it's fixable. Should have it up on Monday.

When in doubt, bitch.

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Mon, 29 Dec 2003 19:34:09 GMT

Many thanks to my pal Raven for the new avatar! *snugs Jack* I owe you, chica. Big time. Makes me glad you accept payment in Prismas.

Do you ever read something--a novel, a short story, an online fanfic--and have this one particular word or phrase just leap out and strangle your enjoyment because it's so WRONG? That happened to me over the weekend.

I like slash. I particularly like HP and PotC slash. And if you can combine the two, so much the better; I'll give you a cookie. And that was what I did over the weekend while recovering from Christmas: I settled down with a handful of PotC fics that I'd lifted from the Net on Friday.

I'm reading. I'm happy. And then, there it is.

I can't give you the authors or titles of the fics I was reading--I seem to recall the phrase being used in more than one--because I don't have them in front of me*, but I distinctly remember "creamy thighs" that seemed to be attached to Will Turner.

I know what you're thinking...romance novels, porn fics and Harry Potter slash bits have all, at one time or another, described various body parts as "creamy." (We're talking parts here. Parts. Not fluids. Keep that in mind.) Doesn't make it linguistically correct; in fact, to borrow a phrase from George Carlin, it's just fuckin' stupid.

Webster's Third New International Dictionary--the unabridged one--defines "creamy" as 1)"full of or containing cream"; 2)"resembling cream in nature, appearance, color, or taste"; or 3)"soft and smooth: luscious". Now, I know all you "creamy" writers are going to read that and say, "Hey! I meant #3!" And sure you did; it's the safest bet. But dictionary definitions, particularly in the old standards like Webster's and the OED, tend to be listed in order of their acceptance, which allows me to write fun things like what's coming next.

Whole milk, yogurt, pudding and certain cheeses are "creamy" by virtue of Definition #1--quite literally. They're dairy products; they contain cream. Human flesh does NOT contain cream. If I woke up one day and discovered that I'd suddenly developed a large deposit of cream beneath my skin, I'd be seeking some serious medical help. Wouldn't you?

Which leads to Definition #2. "Resembling cream in nature, appearance, color or taste." Wrong when describing flesh: wrong, wrong, wrong. Cream, by nature, is LIQUID...which means that some of you slashers out there need to get your characters to a good doctor, because "creamy" thighs will be damn well dripping off your femurs. I'm not going to say much on taste: it's been my experience that skin is rather bland and salty, lacking the sweetness of a milk derivative. As for appearance and color: have you ever LOOKED at cream? Really looked at it? Gone to Wal-Mart, bought a pint of half-and-half and given it a good long stare? Cream is a sort of pale, sick yellow color. Think about it; cream is the fatty portion of milk! It's LIQUID FUCKING FAT!

...Think of that next time you make coffee. And please have a care for the language next time you write slash. :)

~This is the Assassin, with English degree firmly in hand and tongue firmly in cheek.

*I'll be glad to add this info when I've refreshed my memory.

This is just an observation.

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Mon, 29 Dec 2003 16:25:03 GMT

If I don't keep it short, it will become a rant. There will be a longer entry later today, about language. In the meantime, you get this.

Get serious about

PLAGIARISM.

LEARN TO FUCKING SPELL IT!

(Thank you, Ms. Walker!)

The Assassin's Christmas

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Fri, 26 Dec 2003 19:33:25 GMT

(First, a note on my previous post. For the record, I had to resort to UrbanDictionary.com to find the meaning of "bitch, please." I run across it so much on fandom_wank, which I thoroughly enjoy perusing, that I had to look it up. Anyway, the rest of this is just nonsense.)

I'm disappointed. Nobody gave me porn or even cute slash.

But I got penguins.

I collect penguins; I started collecting them in college. It started out as just a collection of the cute plush ones--and has largely remained so--but I do have a few sculptures and ceramic bits, and this year, I got penguin pajamas.

Three sets.

That's not including the three non-penguin pairs of flannel pajama pants that I got--you know, the kind with the drawstrings--and the red penguin-adorned fleece bathrobe. I'm beginning to think that my family doubts my body's ability to control its own temperature without some sort of external aid, given the amount of money they obviously spent to ensure that I stay warm.

That's also not including the obligatory plush penguin I got, or the new Walkman, or the cool stuff I got myself (The Sims Vacation, The Sims Unleashed--I buy my own software, thanks, Mom and Dad--and the vid of PotC). But it's certainly enough.

Making good my username.

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Fri, 26 Dec 2003 19:21:07 GMT

I'm stoned, and I want to kill something.

I'm stoned because I've had a very long sinus infection and I've got this nagging drainage-related cough that won't go away, so I've got a bottle of Codiclear (okay, sp?) and I'm making it my friend.

I want to kill something because at the family Christmas dinner last night, I learned just what kind of shit my sister's ex-husband is putting in their kid's head.

Short version: The sis and the ex have been splits since Dec. 2002. Their daughter--my niece, natch--is ten-and-a-half. She's not happy with the sit., for obvious reasons, and she's not happy with the idea of either of her parents dating again. She's more open to the idea of her dad dating again, but she's flat-out said that she doesn't want her mother seeing any other men.

What this led to last night: my sis has this male friend at her workplace, and maybe they'd like to be more than friends, so she's telling me and our mom about it, and suddenly my niece comes out with, "But he's QUEER!"

Well, we adults are all sitting there in a kind of stunned silence; then my mom says, "How do YOU know?"--thinking, Jesus, this kid's ten, she can't know what she's saying--and my niece says, "You can tell by the way he talks! That's what Daddy told me!"

Ah, so. My sister's ex-husband has taught his own child to make damaging judgments of other people based on their regional accents. (My sister's friend is from California; this is Tennessee, of course he sounds strange to us.) The part that really ticks me off is that The Ex has also taught the child to use "gay" and "queer" as insults, particularly against any men her mother might show interest in. That's...low. Lower than low.

Bitch, please.

Help me out here.

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Wed, 24 Dec 2003 15:09:23 GMT

I'm looking for a bit of slash; can you help me?

Specifically, I'm looking for a really really short Eminem/Jack White fic that I found in someone's online journal. The only thing I remember clearly about it was that the last sentence was something like, "Jack wasn't that drunk."

Comment if you know where this might be, because I want to show it to a friend.

Old LJ bits, part two.

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Tue, 23 Dec 2003 22:25:40 GMT

I must say, this is one of the most clever things I've ever written. And it's not even that old.

Stuff I'd Like To See In RPGs

I've been thinking a lot about RPGs lately.

Not the pen-and-paper RPGs; I've always wanted to try that, but there aren't any people around here that I know of who are into that sort of thing....this is rural northwest Tennessee, one of my earliest memories is hearing a televangelist talk about how Dungeons and Dragons was Satanic. No, I'm talking about PC-based RPGs, specifically the "fantasy" kind (which are somehow okay, which is good, because I love them).

I'm currently playing "Pool of Radiance: Ruins of Myth Drannor" on my laptop. I know, I know, it's been out for more than a year, but I'm cheap. I'm not gonna pay $40-50 for something when I can wait awhile and get the $10 version with electronic documentation. It's really only the box and the manual that you're paying so much for, you know; "Baldur's Gate" is not Adobe Photoshop.

Anyway. I actually *did* pay full price for one game: The Sims. And it was so, so worth it--but that's another matter. The real purpose of this post...well, I was thinking about some of the aspects of The Sims that appeal to me, and about all the RPGs I've played...

Bodily functions. It's all about bodily functions.

Think about it. When was the last time you saw a RPG that allowed--no, *required*--your character(s) to eat (for hunger, not for health), drink, sleep, and go to the bathroom--all in the same game? Most of them allow one of these functions, but I can't think of any that allow *all* of them....let's see. I'll make a list of sorts.

1. "Nox." (Recently dug this one out and replayed it for the hell of it.) In "Nox" you can eat, but only to regain health, not to satisfy hunger. No drinking, no bathroom, no sleep.

2. "Darkstone." (PoR:RoMD reminds me a LOT of this one...all that mindless wandering and little quests that don't mean a whole lot...) In this one you had to eat to satisfy hunger; it was possible to starve, I *think*. (It's been a while.) And you could rest to regain health, but not to satisfy any urge to sleep.

3. "Baldur's Gate." Characters required rest, but nothing else. Drinking was allowed, but only as a means of getting information, and drunkenness apparently had no effect on the characters. Oh, and you could talk just a bit to the prostitutes in the Undercellar, but you couldn't fuck them.

4. "Icewind Dale." I may be wrong about this one, I haven't played it in a bit, but I think it was basically similar to "Baldur's Gate". Possibly without the prostitutes.

5. "Pool of Radiance: Ruins of Myth Drannor." So far, all that's possible is resting for the sake of regaining health. No food, no booze, nothing else. Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll change later in the game.

You see the deficiencies? I've pondered all this for several days now, as I've recovered from my first sinus infection of the winter, and I've come up with The Assassin's Little List Of How Things Should Be...also known as Geez, People, Let's Have Some Fuckin' Realism.

I want to see the following:

--Characters having to eat (and drink) to satisfy hunger/thirst. There would be serious consequences for failing to meet this need...ever play NetHack and have your Level 15 Barbarian get killed by a newt because he fainted from lack of food?

--Characters would be able to drink, get intoxicated, AND have it affect their performance on the battlefield (or, for that matter, their ability to get around anywhere).

--Sleep. Sleep is good. Sleep is very good. Sure, it would piss me off to see my Fighter fall unconscious in the middle of a major battle because of his fatigue, but hey, it happens. There's this little thing called "exhaustion", you know?

--My personal favorite: Characters should have to go to the bathroom! If you're at the Friendly Arm Inn in BG and you spend all your gold buying drinks to get rumors, you're going to have to piss that stuff out sooner or later. So why not do it in the middle of combat? RPG watersports! :) (...Okay, so that's a little over the top, but it would amuse me to see a 20th-level Mage fumble his 8th-level Flamin' Fist o' Death spell because he forgot to visit the little boys' room before leaving that last tavern. Better yet, have a little interaction in which one of your party members says something like, "Uh, guys, I can't help you fight the Ancient Multi-Hued Dragon...I had the curried goblin for lunch.")

Maybe that's enough...Anyway, you see where I'm coming from, right? (If anyone knows of a game--other than The Sims :P--that's anything like what I'm aiming at here, please let me know; it would satisfy my curiosity if nothing else.)

Expect more on this. If you're lucky, I may eventually write "Why Nobody Pees in Fantasy Novels."

Old LJ bits, part one.

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Tue, 23 Dec 2003 22:19:42 GMT

Yes, I'm trying to simplify my online life, sooo...there's no point in having multiple online journals when I can just cram everything into one, now is there? Especially since JournalFen has fandom_wank.

These are not appearing in chronological order.

Part A
For those of you who don't know...I draw. (In case previous posts haven't helped you figure that out.) Mostly furry/avian stuff, but lately I've been feeling the urge to branch off and do humans. It's really just a different-shaped head, in most instances. Anyway, I have an art website, which is basically a dumping ground for ALL my shit, because it's mine; and I also have a VCL gallery, for which I reserve my better-quality bits, because the admins were kind enough to give me a space there.

(Side note: VCL rocks. Yerf, Side 7, YNA and other such places are neat and pretty and all that, but VCL has The Assassin's Approval. Just so you know.)

Anywho...behold the first fruits of my new human-drawing endeavor. (The stool could use some work, and I need to work at getting more familiar with Dodge/Burn, but the chick looks good. Considering she's only the second human I've drawn in my life...she looks GOOD.)

http://vcl.ctrl-c.liu.se/vcl/Artists/Scarlett-Algee/velhuman.jpg

***

Part B, from MSN (I'm The Prophetess of Disbelief in this convo.)

The Prophetess of Disbelief says:
don't mind me, I'm browsing the Yerf forums....god damn, why are there so many people who are paranoid about "art theft"? If they're that fuckin' frightened that someone else is gonna "steal" their work, why in the fucking hell do they make it public to start with???

Sorry, it's a pet peeve

Cheap-O says:
because they like attention and whining i imagine

The Prophetess of Disbelief says:
I think so

Cheap-O says:
yeah well piss on them all...

The Prophetess of Disbelief says:
I wouldn't. Not even if they were on fire.

Cheap-O says:
i would if they were on fire... piss gasoline on them

The Prophetess of Disbelief says:
I mean, if someone 'stole' my art--you know, made out like THEY made it and all--I'd deal with it privately, I wouldn't go up on a forum in front of three thousand people and post "OMG ART THEIFT!!!!!"

and it has to be "theift" 'cause none of these wannabe arms o' justice can fucking spell.

Quick! Someone hand me a Harcourt College Handbook!

stoned_assassin@lycos.com — Tue, 23 Dec 2003 22:05:01 GMT

I started to browse fanfiction.net earlier today, and for once, I couldn't get past the main screen.

To wit:

"December 20th, 2003 -- We have fixed an obscure problem where when the planets align, a reader is not able to submit a review to the latest new chapter of the story if the reader has reviewed a chapter before and the writer has since removed that chapter and created a new chapter. Confused? So were we but just know that it is a good thing this has been fixed."

Did they actually fix something here, or is someone just trying to be unnecessarily cute? (For the record, I'm equally uncertain about the grammatical correctness of "where when.")

~s/a