A Lovely Cuntish Knight

Dancing a happy dance

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:15:43 GMT

Since this is my journal, I can crow if I want. So there.

Seeing all the wank about the butthurt fanboys with FFXIII not being PS3 exclusive has made me SO HAPPY. And not just for the wank.

I was looking to buy a console two Christmases ago. I looked at the Wii, PS3, and XBox360. I winced at the price tags. I also winced at the earliness of all of them. So I decided it would be best to get a PS2. Lots of games already out, some new still being developed, and I get kinda disgusted at the new game hulabaloo anyway. So even if production of games stopps, there's still a huge library.

HOW RIGHT WAS I? SO RIGHT. OH YES, SO RIGHT.

The PS3 has had SO many bugs, not to mention being completely unable to play PS2 or 1 games. It's the most expensive of all of them. Games are still being released in PS2 formats (hello, LEGO games). And I only paid ~$70 for it.

HA!

The Most Phallic Icon Evar

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:05:39 GMT

This icon of sagralisse. It's supposedly of Minas Morgul, but we all know better.

Recent amusements

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 05:11:31 GMT

Catching up on the latest wank news... RDR/Arkenbark at it again...

And these two comment gems:

First, shaysdays invites wanker optimusprime to, in effect, share s/h/it's thoughts on yaoi. optimusprime does!!!

Then, in a different post, pokecheck and arekuru have a Pokébattle! And there is much amusement by FW!

Ahahahaha!

Because certain authors make Tofuknight mad

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 21:42:58 GMT

To all you authors who seem to think that you can dictate what I write, think, or draw (for no profit and with no claim that I created said characters):

1. Danny walked into the bedroom. His young, nubile friend lay on the bed, nicely trussed up like a turkey with his purple little cock hanging out. Then he felt someone take hold of him from behind.

"Shh,Danny. I don't want to have to hurt you... much." He moaned as the ghostly hand ripped through his spandex to release his manhood and jerk him off all over the boy on the bed.

2. F'lar looked over at Lessa as their dragons joined in the sky. She was walking away.

"What-? Where are you going?" he choked out. She turned to look at him.

"Manora is waiting for me in the baths."

"You're going to take a bath now?"

"No, she and I are going to have wild, passionate, lesbian sex until I'm so exhausted that I can't even stand, and I'll kill you if you come and try to watch."

"But you're supposed to be falling over yourself with lust for my manly, obnoxious self!"

"Too bad. Why don't you go try one of the scullery boys?"

I'll add more as I come across them.

Pixel-stained technopeasant wretch!

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 20:08:30 GMT

It's late, but censorship chafes me in not-good ways. So I wrote porn. It's unbetaed, so all mistakes are really still my own. But hey, everyone likes a little HP-porn, right?

Harry couldn't believe that he had found this cupboard, a cupboard that seemed not to have any legitimate purpose. He further couldn't believe that he came back here night after ngiht to wank off to his housemates having sex.

He had gotten very good at his cleaning spells, though.

It was a small and dusty little room, with more space inside than the door would indicate, a wooden bench that had been long ago worn smooth of splinters, and a mirror the size of a large book labelled Xestsulxes that showed people having sex all over the building at the tap of a wand. All he had to do was sit down and enjoy the show. At first he had thought that it only showed fantasies, or scenes that might be, but weren't. But that first night he had watched Neville and Collin Creevy, he had gone back to his dorm and noticed that there were two piles of clothing thrown down at the side of Neville's bed, and that Neville and Collin kept glancing at each other at the breakfast table.

Those two showed up surprisingly frequently in the mirror. Neville liked to have his cock deep in Collin's throat, though Collin often "convinced" Neville to pose for pictures in return. Harry had no idea where Neville had gotten such a varied collection of lacey underwear; or that he liked to wear it all the time. Collin liked it a lot, too; and bought him a matching bra for his birthday.

Fred and George also appeared fairly frequently; sometimes with a girl, more often just the two of them. He usually had a hard time telling the two apart, so that it ended up looking like mirror images of lips on necks, bite wounds on chests or arms, nipples in between fingers (or other objects cleverly charmed to pinch on command), hands on dicks and come on stomaches. He especially liked it when they lay side by side and jerked each other off, hands moving in almost, but not quite, unison as their lips locked together. The first time they had done that for him, Harry had come before he could even get his dick out of his pants.

Luna Lovegood knew a charm to make her wand into a very life-like dildo. Had she learned that from the Quibbler? Maybe he should look into getting a subscription...

The night that Cho Chang had appeared in the mirror, Harry had thought about turning it off and having his wank without visuals. He just wasn't sure it was right to watch her having sex with someone (at least, someone else. He made sure not to think too closely about whether it was right to watch anyone having sex here). But then he realized that it was Ginny Weasley who was with her, and that Cho had her face between Ginny's legs, and that Ginny was biting a Ravenclaw tie to keep from screaming.

By the time Christmas holiday rolled around, Harry had learned that Ron and Oliver Wood enjoyed very rough midnight sex in the Quidditch storage area, with their Quidditch gear on; that Zach Smith had the thickest dick in Hogwarts; that Hermione and Susan Bones spent an awful lot of time in the Prefect's bathroom making creative use of gillyweed; and that Angelina and Madam Hooch were very gentle in bed together, and laughed a lot. He wondered who the book would find tonight; the last night before most of the students left for the holidays. He sat down on the wooden bench, unzipped his fly and took himself in one hand before tapping the open book with his wand.

"Xestsulxes," said a voice that was not his. Harry whirled around, wand pointing at-

"Professor Dumbledore?" Harry choked.

"I see you found my secret room," he said with that little half-smile. Harry could only stare at the Headmaster as he calmly seated himself beside Harry on the bench. "I feel I must admit that I did not create the book or the room, though I have made regular use of them." He looked down at Harry's lap, and Harry's ears burned to realize that his penis was sitting out in plain view.

"I-I-I..."

"Don't let me interrupt your fun, Potter. Humbug?"

"What?" Harry squeaked. How could the Headmaster be so calm about this? Was he seriously suggesting that Harry should just take a candy and go ahead wanking in front of someone else?

"I merely thought it might help your shock. Or haven't you noticed that humbugs are a natural aphrodisiac? I know I haven't missed the effect on the post-pubescent students of Hogwarts. It's always such a shame many of my opponents who visit me here won't take one; I'm sure it would make them feel ever so much better." Harry laughed weakly. "Well, good night, Harry."

Harry waited until he was sure that the Headmaster had left, then spelled the door locked. He then glanced at the book.

Draco Malfoy was naked on a green and silver rug that Harry assumed was in the Slytherin dorms. He was looking up straight into the book, straight into Harry's eyes.

"Do you like this?" he asked. Harry's eyes got very, very wide. "Do you like seeing me like this?" He ran his damned aristocratic hands down his ribs and Harry felt his dick stir between his legs. Draco then reached up and pinched his own nipple, gasping a little and closing his grey eyes. Harry's dick jumped. He couldn't really be getting off on this, could he? On Draco Malfoy? But just as he thought that, Draco grabbed his own cock and moaned, and Harry couldn't help it; he moaned too. Harry watched Draco jerk his rather average dick and felt it on his own. He was breathing heavily now, and found himself wishing it was his hands on Draco's dick, or Draco's on his own.

"You do like it, don't you?" Malfoy continued, between his own gasps. "You're getting off on seeing me touch myself like a dirty little boy, aren't you? Merlin, it makes me even harder to think about you touching yourself and wanting it to be me doing that touching." He looked up into Harry's eyes. "I want you to come for me. Ancestors curse you, now!" Harry cried out and came all over the book.

Merlin, that was the best wank ever. And it was over Malfoy. Harry shook his head and pulled out his wand to turn off the book and clean up when he saw someone else on the rug with Draco.

"You're so hot when you're bossy, Draco," Seamus Finnegan told him. Harry barely noticed that Seamus was naked and had clearly just wanked off onto himself.

"Well, I was born to command," he said, biting Seamus' lip. Seamus proceded to kiss him deeply.

Harry ran from the room.

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 03:03:26 GMT

Just a link: Latin Gettysburg Address from 1912 guy.

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 14:57:23 GMT

So, what's with the elected idiots who willingly say on public radio that Brown v. Board of Education was bad because it broke up schools that concentrated minorities in one place?

What's with gays as well as straights in the year 2006 still thinking of bisexuals (or indeed anyone who has an attraction to someone outside their stated sexual preference) as "traitors"? Haven't we gotten over that?

Icon!

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 21:18:24 GMT

Icon from the cornfield. Ah, guilty pleasures.

Oh noes!

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 16:00:24 GMT

wankprophet is leaving Shakespeare fandom!!!1!

I'm leaving the Shakespeare fandom:

...because I can't stand the "gay Puck" fangirls who don't know the difference between a "faerie" and a "fairy." Hint: only one of them has to have sex with other men.

...because the PoloniHam shippers keep calling my beloved Ophelia a "suicidal bitch" just because she's obviously better for Hamlet than that abusive Polonius

...because the Troilus and Cressida pairing used to be small and fun until all the "Tempest" fuckwits came in and messed it up and claimed to have been there all along and showed no respect for us old-timers

...because it's "Merchant of Venice", people, not "Merchant of Venus." Why do you have to ruin a perfectly good legal drama with sappy romance?!? Also, it's "Two Gentlemen of Verona," not "Two Buttfucking Maniacs of Verona."

...because I don't want to hear another word about the infamous "Shakespeare calls Caliban fangirls 'sick motherfuckers'" interview from 1613

...because just as I bought all the quartos, he came out with a goddamned folio, forcing me to shell out yet another ha'pound and a groat to purchase it

...because I'm sick of the fact that the Comedies fans think they have a better sense of humor than us Tragedies fans. Bitch, please -- just because we find the whole eye-gouging scene in Lear funnier than the Three Stooges humor of "A Comedy of Errors," that just means we have a superior British, or maybe Canadian, sense of humor.

...because there are 154 sonnets and every single one of them has a fucking BNF

...and, finally, because my vision of a beautifully Nordic Othello has been ruined by the revelation that he is, in fact, a blacker shade of pale

For all these reasons and more, I'm leaving the Shakespeare fandom. Fuck you all.

The link be here.

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 21:58:46 GMT

Found this commercial on BBC's news site.

Commercial full of hot Swedish men.

Now, I'm lesbian, but damn are those some hot guys. *drools*

Because I'm a dork and can't use memories...

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 17:02:15 GMT

This is the coolest filk EVAR

by bnfshavemorefun

O Gryffindor! My Gryffindor! our fearful ship is tossed;
Our goals have failed at every turn, the prize we sought is lost.
Our site is through, its death-knell tolls, the people all are mocking,
While follow all the steady flow of wank so grim and shocking.

But O Tower! Tower! Tower!
O the flaming war so crude!
Now on the block my website lies,
Her domain unrenewed.

O Gryffindor! My Gryffindor! Rise up and hear the jeers;
Rise up--for you they crow and mock--for you they flaunt their sneers;
For you they're tarring and feathering -for you the hordes are gloating;
For your head they call, the wanking mass, their eager faces glowing:

Here Gryffindor! dead father!
This hand around your dick,
Shall stroke until the truth be shown:
You're all a bunch of pricks.

My Tower is a 404, its boards are cold and bleak;
My father wanks to no avail, he has gone limp and weak;
The ship's adrift in hostile ports, its voyage just begun;
From long-suff'ring plights the victor sites come in with object won:

Exult, cassieclaire, rejoice, msscribe!
But I with mournful tread,
Must ne'er refresh the site that lies
Fallen cold and dead.

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 01:17:22 GMT

Really, I'm here for the Fandom Wank.

My screen name is homage to the Ozy and Millie cartoon.

Did I mention that I like Xena:Warrior Princess? Oh yes, and their pure lesbian love.