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	(Anonymous) 2006-03-01 10:13 am UTC (link)
	Ganked from Fandom Wank Christopher Lin writes a satirical piece for the Stanford Daily which takes a pot shot at JKR, as well as a great load of other pop culture figures. The result on TLC is a great deal of wanking, because you totally cannot get away with criticising the author of the books. Stuff like Godwin's Law, Harmonians and racism occur. (Reply to this)

	(Anonymous) 2006-03-09 10:14 pm UTC (link)
	The latest Harmonian wank on F_W is pretty much the same deal as always but narcissam posted that delightful link: http://talk.portkey.org/index.php?showuser=11118 In case she doesn't think of sharing it with the community. It cracks my shit up. Also, hello you! :) lerefuge (on LJ) (Reply to this)

Doctor Who
(Anonymous)
2006-03-25 10:40 am UTC (link)

When you consider that we have been eagerly watching as Doctor Who has been killing Snarry and how Fandom Wank have been urging us all to assist him in his quest to destroy the Harry Potter fandom, we still wait in eagerness for Series 2 to come along.

So here's a chance for some vintage SQUEEing:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/

Here you get the chance to be an assistant to the Doctor in an interactive game called "Attack of the Graske", plus there's a chance to view a trailer detailing things to come.

(Reply to this)

	Suggesting a topic hinoema 2006-03-29 06:18 am UTC (link)
	I've never seen this sporked, and I can't imagine why. It was quoted in a post at CoS. It just boggled me. HP denies original sin, and teaches kids evil by seeing them as good! It's the Cult of Revenge! Child-on-Child Crime by David Haddon from the American Spectator http://www.spectator.org/dsp_article.asp?art_id=8875 Yeah, but no. (Reply to this)

	(Anonymous) 2006-07-08 12:01 am UTC (link)
	Could some kind soul with an account please, please spork this one? http://calanor.livejournal.com/60273.html It's got a Lord Vampire Harry, some sappy Snarry, and is the most bizarrely "Slytherin apologist" story I've ever read. -Itchy (Reply to this)

	(Anonymous) 2006-09-03 12:51 am UTC (link)
	Um. I dunno if anyone ever looks here anymore, but I'm tryin' to find a certain sporking from the STFU. I forget who it was by, but it was that infamous Narcissa/Draco monstrosity with the dragons' milk and the silver lacy Valentine vagina. If someone could direct me to that sporking, I'd be highly appreciative. --gondolinchick01 on LJ (Reply to this)

Ron/Snape Badfic Alert
(Anonymous)
2006-11-27 06:32 pm UTC (link)

TEACHER'S PET
http://www.tittisrealm.com/archive/archive/0/teacherspet.html

PART ONE: "JELLO PORN", in which the Gryffindors try to guess what kind of porn the Hogwarts Staff enjoys. Ron draws the short straw and Snape catches him drooling over his bondage porn. Snape offers to teach Ron BDSM stuff, and they hook up. Sadly, no bondage ever ensues, which was a gyp.

HIGHLIGHTS:
- Ron is out and proud and the Hogwarts porn expert.
-Snape is emo and woe about being a Death Eater whom no one can ever love.
-They break up at one point and write letters to each other about their love, cuddling, Snape's jealousy, and Ron's other older boyfriends.
-Harry slept through the entire fic and only woke up once.
-Ron was a gay pet for the Gryffindor girls (literally, they pet him.) he gives Padma shampoo advice and helps Neville handle a very phallic symbol snake in class.
-Hermione came out as gay and hooks up with Ginny through the Hogwarts personals.

AT THE END, IT SORT OF JUST STOPPED. LIKE THE AUTHOR'S HEAD SPUN AROUND ONE FINAL TIME AND THEN FELL OFF.

MY FAVORITE PART WAS CHRISTMASTIME, WHERE SNAPE GAVE RON A PROMISE RING AND WROTE ABOUT RON'S PRESENT IN HIS DIARY!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Ron/Snape Badfic Alert - (Anonymous), 2006-11-27 06:40 pm UTC

	(Anonymous) 2007-01-12 10:24 am UTC (link)
	Harmonywank has been updated. Vance gets pissy with the Cornfield again, but Phoenix Writer calls him on his shit. Brilliant! (Reply to this)

(Anonymous)
2007-03-08 11:09 pm UTC (link)

OMG, I just have to vent. About Hogwarts Exposed, to be precise. Hogwarts UnderExposed Chapter Eight.

Baby-Sue has to naked grope Pedo-Sue (the vampire with the ten-year-old's body who had horrifically overdescribed sex in the last chapter) to make her boobs grow (because Pedo-Sue is just desperate for boobs, every woman's number one goal is huge boobs!). Pomphrey puts wands places wands should not go in Emily-Bitch's body, while Emily-Bitch's thirteen-year-old boyfriend gets to watch. THEN she undoes the underage sex charm so that Emily-Bitch can get the hot sexin' before she dies! She's THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!

Creepy, misogynistic pedophile! Please invent a way to kill people through the internet?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - (Anonymous), 2007-03-08 11:41 pm UTC

The Interview of Dreams
(Anonymous)
2007-04-26 08:57 pm UTC (link)

I don't think this has been sporked yet, but someone should. It's A+ Harmonian crazy.

For this one-shot, imagine that not only does our Harmonian dream come true on July 21st but also that JKR grants a joint interview to Portkey and Harmony Forever. Think of it as our version of the IOD, except this is the Interview of Dreams. This is how I imagine her to be when she is finally able to explain herself. I named the writer of the article after some of my favorite posters here on Portkey and on Harmony Forever. This is dedicated to them and many others who tirelessly research theories, argue and defend our favorite ship.

http://fanfiction.portkey.org/story/7058

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: The Interview of Dreams - (Anonymous), 2007-10-04 12:52 am UTC

	(Anonymous) 2007-06-01 11:26 pm UTC (link)
	Another JKR quote sends Harmoanians into a tizzy to delve into it's true meaning: http://talk.portkey.org/index.php?showtopic=23701&st=0 (Reply to this)

	martita_r_c on livejournal (Anonymous) 2007-07-26 08:46 am UTC (link)
	http://community.livejournal.com/hp_essays/232884.html?style=mine This person insists that Harry remembered a Fellatio session with Ginny in his last moments. I stopped reading after that. Maybe someone could see if it's mockworthy in other aspects as well? martita_r_c on livejournl (Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: martita_r_c on livejournal -

quantumreality, 2009-02-09 04:11 pm UTC

What?

experiment_6462
2007-09-12 03:18 pm UTC (link)

This one's kinda old, and deals with someone discussed a while ago here: http://www.journalfen.net/community/the_hms_stfu/2021.html

Pumpkinhead (http://harryandhermione4ever.blogspot.com/) who had come out as a parody troll last time we discussed him, returned a few months ago. For reasons unknown, he decided to try the troll act again, deleting his coming out post (http://web.archive.org/web/20060618040943/http://harryandhermione4ever.blogspot.com/ (huzzah for the Wayback Machine)).

Unsurprisingly, people who remember what happened last time call bullshit on him, and he claims to have no clue about what happened.

Small, but mind boggling nonetheless. Posted here because I'm not sure if it's even good enough to go up on the main page.

(Reply to this)

Tried to email you, didn't work
(Anonymous)
2007-10-10 02:22 am UTC (link)

Hey there! I keep a blog on my myspace page for shippers that occasionally takes the batshit arguments of Harmonians and dissects them for comments and fun.

Well I have access to a certain password protected Dan and Emma Harry Hermione stronghold and we've been having fun in our little corner tearing them apart and venting.

We just can't take it anymore. They are getting out of hand with this.

We often cruise your livejournal and love LOVE to laugh at the posts you make. We think you would be a good venue for some of our stuff.

My blog is preferred list only, but if you have a myspace, I'd be glad to add you so that you can read what I'm talking about. I wouldn't even mind if you wanted to post this stuff AND my color commentary. Just don't reveal my name or online handle.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Tried to email you, didn't work - (Anonymous), 2007-10-10 02:24 am UTC

Re: Tried to email you, didn't work - (Anonymous), 2007-10-10 07:34 pm UTC

Re: Tried to email you, didn't work - (Anonymous), 2007-10-11 03:05 am UTC

Re: Tried to email you, didn't work - (Anonymous), 2007-10-11 03:10 am UTC

The Ship that refuses to sink........lol
(Anonymous)
2007-10-20 02:53 am UTC (link)

bunny from the EW forums thinks that the H/Hr is still canon and refuses to sink......"Well, it's great news in that the H/Hr ship just refuses to sink. And surprisingly, it's the author herself that crumbs us these crumbs to make us dream again. smiley1.gif

And Hermione marrying Harry after dating many Rons and even marrying him - well, that sounds like it rocks the boat on that perfect relationship of R/Hr isn't it? And for JKR to insist that they are really happy together eventhough they keep on fighting is just pathetic to me. rolleyes.gif

As for that Harry and Ginny as soulmates - now, that is a cruel joke. I'd have believed that more if she actually showed it in the books. Of course, it doesn't help that Ginny has a very minor role in the series so that must be the reason why I can't see these soul connection between them. rolleyes.gif

And hey, am I in the right thread? seems like it's R/hr shippers answering my posts"...

Lol.....Not that earthshattering, but just hilarious.

(Reply to this)

(Anonymous)
2007-12-05 02:54 am UTC (link)

fieryhail2005 over on LJ has posted a rather scathing review/evaluation of KieranHalcyon's Rose Potter and other series. Apart from a lot of criticisms of KieranHalcyon's writing and characterization, etc, there are also accusations of plagarism from numerous sources.

You can see the LJ post at http://fieryhail2005.livejournal.com/732.html, which I found through the author's post to the Rose Potter Yahoo Group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/girlwholived/message/553.

(Reply to this)

Post-DH Harmony wank
(Anonymous)
2007-12-05 11:57 pm UTC (link)

I came across some serious post-DH wank a little while ago on harmonyforever.com that just needs to be shared. Here's a synopsis:

A poster named "brown" started a thread entitled "An Apology". It went like this:

"I just wanted to come back to HF one last time to apologize to everyone. I made a grave error in judgment believing there was more to JK's ability than there actually was. So I'm very sorry to all of you that I argued with and accused of not having enough faith.

I'm sorry to any and all who I might have convinced to believe again.

I wasted too much of my life online and in fandom. Time that was better spent with the actual loves of my life. I'll never regret having met so many of you. The one good thing to take away from this entire experience was getting a chance to meet you all.

Thank you for sharing part of yourselves with me. Take care and be well all.

Goodbye HP fandom, but I'll never say goodbye to H/Hr and Harmony."

This is followed by several wanky comments and lots of gratuitous JKR bashing. Here's a small sampling:

"You DON'T need to apologise for seeing depth and beauty in Rowling's work, when that stupid moron was too blind (and dense) to see it for her half-arsed self!

In fact, you're BADLY needed in the fandom now to bring more insight into Rowling's work, the world needs to know just how CRAPPY this author is and how LUCKY she got!"

"Rowling is a ***** who doesn't know one freaking thing about romance , feminism and love.
I think you are among our most intelligent theorists and your points had validity.
Just because Rowling screwed up doesn't mean you did too."

"You know what I think? I think JKR hates us because people like you and all of us saw something better in HP than she ever planned on, and that bothered her, that there were people who had a better grasp on her story than she did. You definitely had a better grasp on HP than JKR."

"Sadly, JKR didn't learn anything from the books on her bookshelf. And obviously her knowledge of alchemy is seriously flawed. Your posts and theories were brilliant and I was one Harmonian who never lost faith and I will forever be disappointed in the last two books. I don't know what happened with JKR, I'd like to believe that she was taken in by the fandom and that her vision was H/Hr but she changed her mind. Too bad she didn't have enough backbone."

So - JKR is a crop writer for not seeing the inherent beauty of H/Hr and it would be a tragic loss to the culture if "brown" left the fandom. Woes.

(Reply to this)

(Anonymous)
2008-01-01 10:15 pm UTC (link)

Has anyone else noticed an interesting little phenomenon going on among Harmonians...Specifically, many of them are nitpicking for "plot holes" and then being deliberately obtuse when those "holes" are explained, followed by a general statement of "well that should have been specified in the book" when they can no longer deny the explanation without appearing completely retarded.

They seem to be searching for reasons to justify their hatred of DH for reasons other than the fact that they are bitter shippers who got jossed. As such they jump upon any minor criticism as being of vital importance and ignore reasonable canon-based explanations. Often, when backed into a corner, they resort to their standard reply of "well, I guess I just interpreted it differently" with the accompanying implication that their incorrect interpretation is just as valid.

Case in point: Over on Portkey (why, oh why, do I torture myself by lurking there?) there is a discussion going on about how Neville got a hold of Gryffindor's sword when it should have been in Griphooks's posession. Many Harmonians seized upon this as an unforgivable plot-hole. Several masochistic non-Harmonians have explained that the sorting hat calls forth the sword for worthy Gryffindors in need, through, you know, magic. Several Harmonians are being deliberately obtuse in failing to understand this explanation (they're running in truly dizzying circles to avoid it, actually), and others are saying it should have been spelled out in the book (i.e. one poster said the narrative should have switced to Neville's POV for a few sentences to explain that he felt a thud on his head - yeah, that would be good writing). All of this, despite the fact that most readers capable of reasing above a third grade level did not need to have this explained in several paragraphs of exposition. In any case this is being offered as proof that DH sucked for legitimate reasons and they are not a bunch of hypercritical whiners because their ship sank.

I have seen similar things relating to other criticisms of DH. Why can't they just admit that they didn't like it because Harry and Hermione did not get together, and leave it at that?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - (Anonymous), 2008-01-13 11:56 pm UTC

It's a big *headdesk* moment
(Anonymous)
2008-02-26 03:57 pm UTC (link)

The qoute is the Harry/Hermione forum at Portkey, in a little thread called "Why JKR didn't put H/Hr together in the end..., ...well, just my theory."

The theory is weak,as it harps on the fact that "Hermione is based on Jo herself" (as opposed to what JRK actually said, whichs was that Hermione is like she was when she was younger, not 'based on')and people jump in to support it like mad. It's all pretty sad until Kafka comes up with this gem, in all seriousness.

JKR wrote, in a VERY skilled manner, a beautiful sub-text romance between Harry and Hermione, most likely without realizing she did so. In fact, almost all the Ron/Hermione relationship "clues" are based off of character words/actions, and rather brief or out of character bits at that, indicative of poorly written literature or shallow characters. The Harry/Hermione relationship is shown far more through subtexts and non-obvious clues which are indicative of good literature.

As a later poster says "You sort of missed the irony there, didn't you?"

They don't even hear themselves anymore, do they?

May we point and laugh now?

Ratpuppet

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: It's a big *headdesk* moment - (Anonymous), 2008-07-18 02:34 pm UTC

Canon denial extraordinaire
(Anonymous)
2008-07-05 07:36 pm UTC (link)

This interesting bit of wankage is from Portkey in a thread entitled "Why did H/Hr not happen?"

The post is full of so much What that it's hard to know where to begin.

It might be more correct to say that they were never consciously intended as a romantic pairing. Consider:

1) JKR has said that when Harry first "popped into her head," she got "that incredibly elated feeling you get when you've just met someone with whom you might eventually fall in love. ...As though I'd just met someone wonderful, and we were about to embark on this wonderful affair."

2) She has said more than once that Hermione was based on her younger self.

3) She has said that "in my younger days, I dated Ron more than once" -- possibly including her first husband, Jorge Arantes.

4) She has said that her current husband, Neil Murray, is a Harry: "I actually married Harry Potter."

And yet she had her "younger self" end up with a Ron?

In WB's 1951 cartoon "Cheese Chasers," the sixth and last Hubie and Bertie cartoon, those two misadventurous mice gorge themselves on cheese; then, unable to eat any more, and deciding that they've "lived a full life," they try to feed themselves to Claude Cat. Their persistence toward this goal leaves Claude, in turn, unable to eat another mouse, so he tries to get himself slaughtered by the bulldog he lives with. The bulldog tries to make sense of all of this (using an Acme Adding Machine, no less), and all he can come up with is that "It just don't add up!!!" He then sees a passing dogcatcher's van and chases after it, trying to get himself committed to the pound; Claude chases after the dog, while Hubie and Bertie chase after Claude. (The cheese stands alone, as in the old children's song.) One wonders where we should go to get ourselves committed!

During the first few weeks after Book Seven's release, there was considerable speculation that JKR had cribbed such items as "Horcrux Harry" and "Snape loved Lily" from fansites, letting fans think they'd simply divined these items from the earlier books. If that was true, then couldn't this business about Ginny sending Harry the valentine have been another such item?

Once again, consider: JKR waited until the Interview of Doom after Book Six's release to "confirm" the matter. By that time, numerous readers had already accepted the idea -- some to the point of writing it into fanfiction!

But "Dark Lord" was never Weasley talk; "You-Know-Who" was. Therefore, if (as JKR went on to claim in the Interview of Doom) Ginny sent the valentine of her own will rather than Vaporiddle's, wouldn't she have been far more likely to compose a verse containing the term "You-Know-Who"? So the argument that "she just needed a rhyme for 'blackboard' " becomes rather weak.

Nor do I see the fact that Draco publicly and derisively attributed the valentine to her, whereupon she fled the corridor in embarrassment, as any stronger evidence.

Now the question reasonably arises: who then could have sent it? I had long thought that Draco, conscious of Ginny's crush on Harry, sent it himself to embarrass two birds with one stone, as it were. Maybe it was more his style to gloat about his pranks; but couldn't he have done so obliquely in what he actually did after Harry got it?

Later on, I for one came to suspect Millicent Bulstrode, for the following reasons:

1) She was on the edge of strangling Hermione at the Dueling Club meeting, yet she inexplicably let Harry -- whom she could easily have broken in half -- pull her off Hermione. (Mind you, I for one don't think 12-year-old Harry was too young to have a passion, conscious or not, for 13-year-old Hermione -- much less to have it get the better of him on that occasion, thus allowing him to get the better of Millicent!)

2) In Book Five, she used her own body not only to restrain Hermione (pinning her against a wall of Umbridge's office), but also to obscure her from Harry's sight!

3) She belonged to Slytherin, in which the phrase "Dark Lord" has been far more commonly used than in the other three Houses combined.

Could Millicent, then, have had a weakness for Harry which, as a Slytherin, she couldn't very well have allowed to become public knowledge?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Canon denial extraordinaire - (Anonymous), 2008-11-06 05:00 pm UTC

JKR wrote R/Hr because she was drunk - trufax!
(Anonymous)
2008-12-07 09:55 pm UTC (link)

On Portkey, lovesharry writes:
"You know, I have always teasingly said that Rowling spent up too much time 'holed up' alone in a hotel room writing her final book and that the reason she gave us H/G and R/Hr and that gawd awful crapilogue epilogue was because of her imbibing from the small bottles of liquor found in the refrigerators in high class hotel rooms. But over time I've felt that maybe she did just that. Picture this:
*in her hotel room - alone - phones off - several empty little bottles around her - sipping on another - staring at her computer*
"...it's my book ... I'm the all knowing main wizard of them all! ... (hiccup!) ... I've always like Ginny ... (tears welling up in her eyes) ... she's such a sweetie ... all that long silky red hair ... wish I had long silky red hair ... Ginny, Ginny, Ginny, YOU are Harry's soulmate ... not that brainiac Hermione! ... Hermie was always meant for that lame brain Ron ... (takes a swig from the little bottle) ... (wipes her lips with her shirt sleeve) ... OK ... here it goes ... Ginerva Molly Weasley is going to become the darling of my last two books ... no one will even give ... what do they call it ~ harmony ... yeah, harmony ... a second thought."

(throwing aside the empty bottle, making a clinking sound when it hits the others on the floor)
Jo pads barefoot over to the refrigerator and selects a miniature bottle of gin.

OK, please, no one flame me for my blatant disrespect for Jo-Jo. I'm just making my point."

Ok, but what is your point?

~Ikabod~

(Reply to this)

Don't lose hope! Harmony will still sail, dammit!
(Anonymous)
2009-02-05 10:45 pm UTC (link)

Now this is what I call committed. And maybe committable. Little ole Hopedreamer on Portkey uses JKR recent admission that it "could have gone" H/Hr (in some alternate universe) to insist that we can expect Book 8 any day now, in which we will learn that the epilogue was all a dream and Harry and Hermione did indeed make little babies together.

Here's a sample of the lunacy:
So what was this first hopeful sign you've hinted at?" you might now ask. THE TALES OF BEEDLE THE BARD! JKR backtracked royally on distribution of that volume, increasing the number of copies in print from only seven to eight million!

Now she's said that she "cannot write to please other people." Certainly, then, she can't distribute to please other people either, so it's a fairly safe bet that she didn't in this case.

On the other hand, she certainly couldn't have been unaware that many of her readers wanted to see those stories in print...

("The Fountain of Fair Fortune" is my personal favorite of the five. Dumbledore's anecdote about the ill-starred Hogwarts stage production was hilarious!)

Once again, she's never said that no Book Eight will ever appear, only that she hasn't been planning one.

Thewall28304 has concurred with myself and others that Book Seven's crapilogue, especially preceded as it is by Chapter 36 references (not one but three!) to Harry's sleep deprivation, smacks more of a dream than of reality. (In one post she actually applied the French word "onérisme," meaning "unreality" or "surreality," to the scene.)

But that's not all. I've just mentioned this in another thread, but shortly after Book Seven's release some few readers actually suggested that Snape "did a Wormtail" therein. See for example Vulcanarcher's post here, and SiriusAboutSeverus's here. Before Book Seven came out, I often thought that, should Voldemort predecease Snape, Harry would then have Snape -- the new Dark Lord -- to contend with.

Thus, in at least two ways, it would appear that JKR was (perhaps not consciously) leaving the door ajar for a Book Eight -- in which Harry wakes up in more ways than one, and maybe (hopefully?) helps others to do likewise (such as by realizing that Dumbledore's social ideals do not belong in his tomb with him and the Elder Wand).

If our sheer numbers could at least help bring THE TALES OF BEEDLE THE BARD into general distribution, then why couldn't they also help bring out a Book Eight?

If JKR could see, independently of us, the advantages of mass distribution for the former, why not also those of publishing the latter? And maybe its proceeds would also go to charity.

Besides allowing our good ship to sail at last, hopefully this volume will also correct at least a few other major errors of the series. As I've said before, I'm not about to predict when it will appear, but I suspect we'll see it long before we ever see that proposed encyclopedia...

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Don't lose hope! Harmony will still sail, dammit! - (Anonymous), 2009-02-05 10:45 pm UTC

Re: Don't lose hope! Harmony will still sail, dammit! - (Anonymous), 2009-02-09 04:48 pm UTC

Re: Don't lose hope! Harmony will still sail, dammit! - (Anonymous), 2009-02-10 01:51 pm UTC

Re: Don't lose hope! Harmony will still sail, dammit! - (Anonymous), 2009-02-14 11:20 am UTC

Re: Don't lose hope! Harmony will still sail, dammit! - (Anonymous), 2009-02-16 01:45 pm UTC

Re: Don't lose hope! Harmony will still sail, dammit! - (Anonymous), 2009-02-20 12:44 pm UTC

Re: Don't lose hope! Harmony will still sail, dammit! -

ikabod, 2009-03-02 02:57 pm UTC

	Please someone spork this (Anonymous) 2009-07-03 12:54 am UTC (link)
	Merlin (Hallmark) crossover with Harry Potter Dark Angel by hermione snape (Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Please someone spork this - (Anonymous), 2009-07-03 12:55 am UTC

	squeakytoy 2009-07-23 11:14 am UTC (link)
	Er. Actually, I was wondering if we could change the layout of the comm to one of the layouts that permit mass-unfolding of comments. (Reply to this)

(Anonymous)
2009-09-07 05:41 pm UTC (link)

So this is probably the wrong place to ask this, but is the Hogwarts Too Exposed spork ever gonna be finished, or is STFU just going to be laughing at Snapefen/Harmonians/anyone who has a non-canonical idea ever instead? Because the former is funnier IMO, but whatevs.

(In before "go to Deleterius for sporking", because Deleterius is an unfunny cesspool of injokes about "bleeprin" and Mary Sues and mpreg, thanks.)

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - (Anonymous), 2009-09-10 05:03 am UTC

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