Log In

Home
    - Create Journal
    - Update
    - Download

LiveJournal
    - News
    - Paid Accounts
    - Contributors

Customize
    - Customize Journal
    - Create Style
    - Edit Style

Find Users
    - Random!
    - By Region
    - By Interest
    - Search

Edit ...
    - Personal Info &
      Settings
    - Your Friends
    - Old Entries
    - Your Pictures
    - Your Password

Developer Area

Need Help?
    - Lost Password?
    - Freq. Asked
      Questions
    - Support Area



Little Valkyrie ([info]waltraute) wrote,
@ 2006-08-29 14:58:00


Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Terry Goodkind's Evil Chicken
Googling has found me a selection of quotes of this passage:

Hissing, hackles lifting, the chicken's head rose. Kahlan pulled back. Its claws digging into stiff dead flesh, the chicken slowly turned to face her. It cocked its head, making its comb flop, its wattles sway. "Shoo," Kahlan heard herself whisper. There wasn't enough light, and besides, the side of its beak was covered with gore, so she couldn't tell if it had the dark spot, But she didn't need to see it. "Dear spirits, help me," she prayed under her breath. The bird let out a slow chicken cackle. It sounded like a chicken, but in her heart she knew it wasn't. In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a chicken that was not a chicken. This looked like a chicken, like most of the Mud People's chickens. But this was no chicken. This was evil manifest.

---------------

Her power, her magic, was also a weapon of defense. But it would only work on people. It would not work on a chicken. And it would not work on wickedness incarnate. Her gaze flicked toward the door, checking the distance. The chicken took a single hop toward her. Claws gripping Juni's upper arm, it leaned her way. Her leg muscles tightened till they trembled. The chicken backed up a step, tensed, and spurted feces onto Juni's face. It let out the cackle that sounded like a laugh. She dearly wished she could tell herself she was being silly. Imagining things.

But she knew better.

(snip)

Kahlan frantically tried to think as the chicken bawk-bawk-bawked.

(snip)

"Mother," the chicken croaked.

Kahlan flinched with a cry.

(snip)

[Kahlan knocks over a candle by mistake, plunging the barn into darkness]

In the dark, the chicken thing let out a low chicken cackle laugh. It hadn't come from whre she expected the chicken to be. It was behind her.

"Please, I mean no harm," she called into the darkness. "I mean no disrespect. I will leave you to your business now, if that's all right with you."

She took another shuffling step toward the door. She moved carefully, slowly, in case the chicken thing was in the way. She didn't want to bump into it and make it angry. She mustn't underestimate it. Kahlan had on any number of occasions thrown herself with ferocity against seemingly invincible foes. She knew well the value of a resolute violent attack. But she also somehow knew beyond doubt that this adversary could, if it wanted, kill her as easily as she could wring a real chicken's neck. If she forced a fight, this was one she would lose.

(snip)

The chicken thing let out a whispering cackle.

(snip)

[she's trying to find the door, she's crying and panicking, she stubs her toe and falls down.]

With the next flash of lightning, she saw chicken feet standing between her and the crack under the door. The thing wasn't more than a foot from her face.

(snip)

The beak pinched the vein on the back of her hand over her eyes. The chicken tugged, as if trying to pull a worm from the ground. It was a command. It wanted her hand away from her eyes. The beak gave a sharp tug on her skin. There was no mistaking the meaning in that insistent yank. Move the hand, now, it was saying, or you'll be sorry. If she made it angry, there was no telling what it was capable of doing to her. Juni lay dead above her as a reminder of the possibilities.

She told herself that if it pecked at her eyes, she would have to grab it and try to wring its neck. If she was quick, it could only get in one peck. She would have one eye left. She would have to fight it then. But only if it went for her eyes. Her instincts screamed that such action would be the most foolish, dangerous thing she could do. Both the Bird Man and Richard said this was not a chicken. She no longer doubted them. But she might have no choice.
If she started, it would be a fight to the death. She held no illusion as to her chances. Nonetheless, she might be forced to fight it. With her last breath, if need be, as her father had taught her.

The chicken snatched a bigger beakful of her skin along with the vein and twisted. Last warning. Kahlan carefully moved her trembling hand away. The chicken-thing cackled softly with satisfaction.

---------------------

Comedy gold!


(Post a new comment)


[info]smo
2006-08-29 07:09 pm UTC (link)
"Mother," the chicken croaked.

WAT.

(Reply to this)


[info]white_serpent
2006-08-29 07:17 pm UTC (link)
In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a chicken that was not a chicken. This looked like a chicken, like most of the Mud People's chickens. But this was no chicken. This was evil manifest.

Best. Writing. Ever.

(Reply to this)


[info]esclaramonde
2006-08-29 07:40 pm UTC (link)
Kahlan frantically tried to think as the chicken bawk-bawk-bawked.

DIES AND IS DED.

Yes, Terry Goodkind, you should not be considered a fantasy writer because you deal with the human condition and deep truths. Such as talking, evil chickens.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]khym_chanur
2006-08-30 03:04 am UTC (link)
I think that's my favorite part. For some reason, I'm also particularly fond of "Her power, her magic, was also a weapon of defense. But it would only work on people. It would not work on a chicken."

(Reply to this)(Parent)

ROFLCOPTER
[info]absurdwords
2006-08-29 07:50 pm UTC (link)
It sounded like a chicken, but in her heart she knew it wasn't. In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a chicken that was not a chicken. This looked like a chicken, like most of the Mud People's chickens. But this was no chicken. This was evil manifest.

That's simply brilliant.

(Reply to this)


[info]khym_chanur
2006-08-30 03:03 am UTC (link)
Y'know, if the character had realized the inherent absurdity of a demon-possesed chicken, and a part of her mind had supplied gallows humor while the rest of her freaked out, the scene wouldn't have been uninentionally funny (or, at least, much less so). And if he'd had the chicken hiss instead of cluck. I mean, I don't know if chickens can actually hiss or not, but a hissing chikcen would freak me out in real life, so I expect the effect would be magnified if you were facing a deadly possesed chicken (and it's pretty damn hard to be frightened of something that goes "bawk bawk bawk").

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]erastes
2006-12-03 06:19 pm UTC (link)
*dies laughing*

It's the Evil Library Chicken of D00M(TM)



(Reply to this)(Parent)


(Anonymous)
2010-01-08 05:36 pm UTC (link)
The chicken was apparently already hissing (check out the first word), but that doesn't seem to have made it any less ridiculous. :/

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]ecchaniz0r
2006-08-31 02:16 am UTC (link)
The chicken backed up a step, tensed, and spurted feces onto Juni's face. It let out the cackle that sounded like a laugh. She dearly wished she could tell herself she was being silly. Imagining things.

But she knew better.


...This is supposed to be what, frightening?

I am trying and failing not to make a 'chicken shit' comment.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]waltraute
2006-08-31 02:21 am UTC (link)
Well, he does have the chicken (which seems to have killed someone) shitting on their face, so I'm not sure you can up him at his own game here. :(

And this is supposed to be tense and dramatic, I think.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


(Anonymous)
2006-12-01 10:51 am UTC (link)
"'How do I get out of this chickenshit outfit?' Kahlan muttered, stripping off her feces-stained tunic."

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]waltraute
2006-08-31 02:24 am UTC (link)
Dude, I just found this comment in a review of the book on Amazon (and like an actual published review, not a user comment):

Notable for its engaging secondary characters, the novel also evinces flashes of sly wit, as when an evil Chime takes the form of a menacing chicken.

...what can you say to that?

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]ecchaniz0r
2006-08-31 08:06 pm UTC (link)
I can make many consonant noises but I don't think that counts as words...

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]waltraute
2006-08-31 09:20 pm UTC (link)
I showed this passage to a non-fandom friend of mine.

I then showed him the review of Touched by Venom.

Think I scarred the poor boy for life.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


(Anonymous)
2006-10-16 07:14 am UTC (link)
Sweet Mother of God...

(Reply to this)


(Anonymous)
2006-10-24 04:42 am UTC (link)
[info]trouvera here by way of [info]crowyhead...

[Kahlan knocks over a candle by mistake, plunging the barn into darkness]


While I realize that this is your way of setting up the next bit of bad writing, it's all I have on which to base this observation...

I have spent no small amount of time in barns. You knock a candle over and you sure as hell don't get plunged into darkness, you get an accelerating brightening of the place as it starts to burn, followed closely by the air becoming unbreathable by human or chicken. Unless of course there is some kind of non-flammable straw, wood and other agrarian bric-a-brac in Goodkind-land. Or, possibly the demon-chicken has the power of controlling flame, in which case the candle wouldn't have needed to be knocked over to go out...

(Reply to this)


 
   
Privacy Policy - COPPA
Legal Disclaimer - Site Map